A man visited the local mental hospital and asked the head doctor how to determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
“It’s simple actually,” said the doctor. “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket. Then we simply ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” the man replied. “Obviously a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No…” the doctor replied. “A normal person would pull the plug and let it drain. Do you want a bed near the window?”

One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said, “I think I was just molested back there.”
The bus driver looked at her and said, “Not on my bus. You couldn't have been.” So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says, “I think I was just molested back there.”
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says, “Sir, what are you doing?”
The man looks at him and says, “I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again.”

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"

The Dark Knight wrote:England have named their 11 for the first test-
Crawley
Duckett
Pope
Root
Bairstow
Stokes
Foakes
Ahmed
Hartley (debut, left arm spinner)
Wood
Leach

Poms are dead set on here, have Leach in the side

Brodlach wrote:Any chance we can put one on the stumps and a yorker?

terrible field placings as well

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… drink like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”
The biker asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question…. have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope……but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.

Lightning McQueen wrote:Is it terrible that I’m loving this?

you are no orphan

Build the man a Statue

mighty_tiger_79 wrote:

daysofourlives wrote:SEN ran a poll, do you like the Australian cricket team and its players

71% yes
29% no

seems about right, would be a similar result here judging by the comments.

Never know till you out the poll up.

wonder how it would look if you did an individual poll on each player though

dedja wrote:

locky801 wrote:Reckon India would be getting pretty nervous about now

I was about to post the same. Some clackers starting to squirm.

Great minds think alike

amber_fluid wrote:

Armchair expert wrote:Classic Stoinis

Why do we persist with him when there are so many other options

Mark Howard carrying on that he hasnt had many opportunities Pigs bum hes had plenty and failed, get rid of him

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

:shock: :shock: :shock:

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his wife, Amy: "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for town.
Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. "I came to inseminate the cow," he says. Amy takes him down to the barn, walks along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, "This is the one, right here.” Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, "Tell me, young lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?”
"That’s simple by the nail that's over its stall," she explains with confidence. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?” As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's for you to hang your pants on."

Definition of “ Handsome”
Teacher in Detroit asks a student to use "Handsome" in a sentence…..!!
A girl named Latisha replied,
Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's Soul Pole……!
My Jaw git sore and I Hafta use my Handsome…..!!

now lost 5/18 pathetic

8/209

After the Bedge post i was hoping last night that Jimmy Anderson was going to go for 6 in a row as well, only half went of the 6 but shows Bedge it can happen to the former best of them

Mick decided to pay his old mate Paddy a visit. "Bejesus Paddy!" Said Mick, greeted by a living room full of chairs, "Where did all these frigging chairs come from?" "Doctors waiting room," beamed Paddy. "Every time I go there the receptionist says, please take a seat.

Eagles2014 wrote:

Armchair expert wrote:Confirmed 18 weeks for TT

And people bagged Tom Morris on here, spot on as usual

Yep i put my hand up for that and rightly so

mal wrote:There's 2 BIG reasons why Guiseppe Root made another 100
1. He is a champion batsman
2. India's greatest ever fast bowler Jasprit Bumrah is not playing this test

and he didn't play that stupid reverse sweep shot, playing to his strengths instead

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

Smith gone LBW yet again

Must never open for Aust again

1/15

Lightning McQueen wrote:We seem to take the pressure off once we’ve secure the trophy, we’re shot now with this one.

fragile excuse, if it wasnt for our bowlers last few tests we would have been hammered

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example.
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she see her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says,
"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello?

Good game of test cricket

Glad to see Marfus get some runs in the first dig and Carey show his worth.

Had a great test did Alex 98 Not and 10 catches.

Enjoy the Shield comp Inglis

Day of the Maccas

McAndrew gets Jewell for 0

Tas 1/2

Carey was actually robbed of his ton and not by Pat

Evidently he got an inside edge which flew into his pad and they ran 3 which were called leg byes

Lots speaking about it on the Fox sports cricket page

thank goodness for that, reckon i have changed my team at least 5 times daily in the last 2 weeks

Armchair expert wrote:

locky801 wrote:
AE never ceases to amaze me, imagine if half of these get up gaaahhhhh

1-1

after 2 games

This ones far from over

The Dark Knight wrote:Winning another premiership! By one wicket!

a wins a win, congrats, now go and enjoy a few

Winning another premiership! By one wicket!

Nervous heading out there mate? Lost 8/36 and you arrived. Hit the winning run? I wasn't nervous going out to bat because I didn't expect us to win being nine wickets down, only got nervous when we got close. I didn't hit the winning runs, I managed to (streakily) get off strike and my team mate who batted number three making 96* hit the winning runs. We put on 40 for the last wicket to win it, his innings was incredible.
Sounds like your innings was equally as important

Hazelwood like even :D

Winning another premiership! By one wicket!

Nervous heading out there mate? Lost 8/36 and you arrived. Hit the winning run? I wasn't nervous going out to bat because I didn't expect us to win being nine wickets down, only got nervous when we got close. I didn't hit the winning runs, I managed to (streakily) get off strike and my team mate who batted number three making 96* hit the winning runs. We put on 40 for the last wicket to win it, his innings was incredible.


Great job TDK ;)

Brisbane v Collingwood - Gabba

Friday :
North v Carlton - Marvel
Fremantle v Adelaide - Optus

Saturday :
Essendon v St Kilda - Marvel
Port Adelaide v Melbourne - AO

Sunday :
Western Bulldogs v West Coast - Marvel
Richmond v Sydney - MCG

Monday :
Hawthorn v Geelong - MCG

Sometimes its the little things, a guy I used to work with about 12 years ago joined our organisation this week and didn't even think twice before always calling me Wedgie. First one in this organisation to call me Wedgie instead of my first name and so much preferred!
He gets a few weird looks when he calls me it though. :lol:
Probably not a great thing for my "professional" image at the age of 53 but I love it. 8)


Professional Image, love it :drinkers:

Good luck with the change, as they say a change can be like a holiday

I left SAPOL after 33 years and moved into a different career and havent looked back and been there now 15 years

My next career change coming on 4 September 2025, full time retirement

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym.
I was working on my MBA online.
I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.
"No, no... I was Paroled

Geezus, just added up our beer and food (1 hotdog and 1 chips) bill from yesterday at Adelaide Oval.
$280 :shock:
That doesn't include our pre-match drinks at the Casino! (Or lunch,2 ubers or tickets)
All added up to about $600 for a day at the footy!

think im glad i stuck to my $7.00 pints at the Broken Hill pub and watched it on the telly ;)

Lines been drawn in the sand by the AFL and rightly so, its all quite simple

Keep you mouths shut, cause if you use racist comments or homophobic comments ya getting a fine and a holiday

Let alone the personal embarrasment to yourself, family and team mates

Derek Underwood, the most successful spin bowler in England Test cricket history, has died at the age of 78.

Surprised Armchair hasn't posted about it yet, Agar, Stoinis, Behrendorff and Tye not offered contracts by WA in their new contract list.
https://www.cricket.com.au/news/3973145

I’d be chasing Agar.
I assume the other 3 will just play 20/20 games

Cant wait to see the reaction from AE if Agar comes here :lol: :axe:

Good to see Buteroadview have a win in both grades today

amber_fluid wrote:

Armchair expert wrote:Giants will go through the season undefeated

bookmark it!

They won’t even win today.
We’ll run over them

looking like you could be on the money here

Roosters win, nothing else matters

North 10.3
Sturt 8.9

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"