BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

My girlfriend last night said I was out of shape
I said , that's incorrect , I'm round and round is a shape

[mal]

https://youtu.be/DXI1byuVixA


Pat Morita

[Vamos]

Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to mars, NASA has said they feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.

Was just browsing through a few random pages

[locky801]

Frank and Fiona were making passionate love in Frank's van when suddenly Fiona, who was a bit on the kinky side,and had just read "40 shades of grey", yells out,"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Frank, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Frank, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits, "Yes I did."
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims:
"I thought so because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[locky801]

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."
Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."
"Wow! How come ?”remarked Dolly.
"Very simple solution... I don't sign the cheque!"

[DOC]

I looked into the mirror this morning and the bride said whats wrong?

I said I've come to realise that I look very tired, old and overweight.

She said you still have good eyesight.

[nwdfanparade]

Paddy walked into his favorite bar in Dublin and saw his friend Liam sitting at the bar. Paddy walks up to Liam and says, “Liam my friend, have a pint of Guinness on me, I'm celebrating” Liam replies “Paddy my good mate, what are you celebrating?” Paddy says, “You know I love me Rugby .....” Liam interrupts, “Paddy, there is no-one in all of Ireland who loves the Rugby more than you. What are you celebrating?”. Paddy continues, “I got a letter from my daughter who is living in the United States of America. Women's Rugby must be huge over there because she says she is getting lots of money as a hooker!”

[locky801]

Man was enjoying his trip on the motor launch, and eating his steak sandwich,
Dog owned by the woman next to him was looking up at him begging,
Man says to woman… “Do you mind if I toss your dog a bit?”
She nodded, so the man threw the dog overboard.!

[Pseudo]

My girlfriend last night said I was out of shape
I said , that's incorrect , I'm round and round is a shape

Myself, I have the shape of a god.

Unfortunately that god is buddha...

[Lightning McQueen]

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?


I’ve never had a lentil on my face.

[Trader]

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?


I’ve never had a lentil on my face.

That's like the old:

What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't hear a vitamin

[Lightning McQueen]

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?


I’ve never had a lentil on my face.

That's like the old:

What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't hear a vitamin

[Spargo]

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?


I’ve never had a lentil on my face.

That's like the old:

What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't hear a vitamin

Or, what’s better that eating a mandarin?
Eating Amanda out…

[Lightning McQueen]

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?


I’ve never had a lentil on my face.

That's like the old:

What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't hear a vitamin

Or, what’s better that eating a mandarin?
Eating Amanda out…

Said that to the ex one day thinking I was being funny, I didn't take into consideration what her sister's name is, wasn't getting anywhere near the mandarin that night.

[Trader]

As they say, it only takes on bad mandarin to ruin the bunch.

Amanda Vanstone.

Joke ruined.

[mal]

Another Grub and Mighty Tiger are at the TAB
A robber bursts in making demands
the bandit robs the TAB and starts on the customers
Mighty Tiger feels the sensation of Another Grubs hand on his own hand
Mighty Tiger feels paper, but being to scared to look down whispers to Another Grub
" What have you given me Grub?"
Another Grub whispers back
" Its the $50 I owe you ..."

[DOC]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mum says, "he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mum!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

[locky801]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers,
“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”

[DOC]

My grand daughter rang to say her goldfish had died and would I help to bury it. Of course I would I said.

When I got there she showed me the hole she had dug which was huge, and I asked her why it was so big?

It's inside the neighbours cat she said.

Good girl.