BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out". He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

[locky801]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… drink like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”
The biker asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question…. have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope……but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.

[locky801]

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers.
"God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

[locky801]

Used to own a pizza/pastry shop. The health inspector turned up and watched my pizza chef flattening the dough on his hairy chest, wrote me up for a health violation. He turned around and saw the pastry chef pulling his dentures out and using them to crimp the pies, another bloody ticket. However I thank my lucky stars he didn't see the donut bloke putting the holes in them.

[locky801]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to “mate” the pigs and split everything 50/50. They lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs “mate”..
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M... Loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove them the agreed thirty miles.
While the pigs were “mating”, he asked the other farmer "How will I know if they are pregnant”..??? The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not"..
The next morning, the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them all off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were absolutely worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. So he called to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass"..???
"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon”...“And one of them, is honking the horn”

[locky801]

Three Tasmanian boys were all applying for the last available position on the Hobart Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The three all nodded that they indeed wanted to be cops.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the boy from Launceston and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The Launcestrian immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The young man hung his head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second boy from Cradle Mountain, stuck the photo in his face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
hear what I just told the other guy?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one
ear! You're excused too!"
The young man sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the last boy, a hometown Hobart boy -with a long family history in Tasmania, and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in his face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The young lad said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the young man with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The boy from Hobart rolled his eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, ... he certainly can't wear glasses.

[locky801]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.
The Social workers raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produce photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The Social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills".
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in Paediatric care, Welfare and Diet".
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" They said “It doesn't really matter as long as they can fit in the cannon".

[locky801]

Two voices, one male, and one female overheard on a plane: "I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty, no-ones looking, you go in first."
"It's a bit cramped, let me sit down!"
"Have you got the condom?
Quick put it on."
Sniff, sniff, "Ah perfume you think of everything!"
"This is great." (long sigh!)
Static on the loudspeaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet.
We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

[locky801]

Mick decided to pay his old mate Paddy a visit. "Bejesus Paddy!" Said Mick, greeted by a living room full of chairs, "Where did all these frigging chairs come from?" "Doctors waiting room," beamed Paddy. "Every time I go there the receptionist says, please take a seat.

[locky801]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

[locky801]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

[locky801]

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his wife, Amy: "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for town.
Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. "I came to inseminate the cow," he says. Amy takes him down to the barn, walks along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, "This is the one, right here.” Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, "Tell me, young lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?”
"That’s simple by the nail that's over its stall," she explains with confidence. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?” As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's for you to hang your pants on."

[locky801]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[locky801]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."

[Spargo]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
But then the librarian asked me to take it out…

[locky801]

A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone.
"Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator.
"Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies.
"Okay, where do you live?"
"In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies.
"No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks frustratedly.
"Duh! Big Red Truck!!"

[locky801]

Definition of “ Handsome”
Teacher in Detroit asks a student to use "Handsome" in a sentence…..!!
A girl named Latisha replied,
Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's Soul Pole……!
My Jaw git sore and I Hafta use my Handsome…..!!

[locky801]

A plane is flying over the atlantic When suddenly the speaker comes on, it's the pilot, "A minor delay has occurred, we will be one hour late due to an engine failing, please do not panic this is a minor problem". The passengers are a little worried but people carry on as normal. An hour later the speaker comes on again, "The flight will be delayed by two hours as our second engine has failed, do not worry this is a minor problem.". People are starting to get nervous now and talk among themselves. Another hour later the speaker comes on yet again, " Ladies and gentlemen i'm afraid to announce we have lost our third engine and have only one remaining, this will delay us by five hours". The plane is dead silent with worry, when suddenly an Irish man at the back of the plane speaks up, "Well let's hope we don't lose another or we'll be up here all night!

[locky801]

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

[locky801]

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH!