BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Booney]

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?”
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're ******* donuts."

Those were the days....

[Johno6]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
Still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
She overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
Pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his
Penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
Lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure
You, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
Smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful,

But listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

[Strawb]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[overloaded]

That's not funny

[Strawb]

Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger could never be president of America because he is not American.
Well we all know what happened last time an Austrian took over a foreign country...

[Strawb]

After my divorce hearing I turned to my newly ex-wife and said: "Do you know what's been the best thing since I left you, it's-"
"Oh, I know. You've been out shagging anything that moves!" she said. "Sowing your wild oats, getting your c**k into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you're all about, mister!"
"-it's that I've actually been able to finish a Bloody sentence without being interrupted."

[Strawb]

For years four mates each took a week off work to go fishing together.
This year, Ron’s wife put her foot down and told him he wasn’t going.

Bitterly disappointed, he phoned the others and told them he wasn’t
allowed to go.
Two days later, the other three arrived at their usual campsite only to
see Ron sitting there with his tent already set up.
‘Ron,’ they said, ‘How did you talk your missus into letting you come?’
‘Well, yesterday evening after my wife had finished reading ‘Fifty
Shades of Grey’ she dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom. On the
bed she’d put handcuffs and ropes. She told me to tie her up and cuff
her to the bed, so I did. Then she said ‘Now do whatever you want.
So here I am.’

[Squids]

What do you say to a two headed alien?




hello, hello

[Sky Pilot]

Did you hear about the deformed dwarf?
He was 6'2"

[scoob]

If it makes you feel better to selectively quote, good.

If you want to censor me on this thread because it makes you feel uncomfortable about joking about children dying, that's up to you.

If you think it's funny to laugh at thousands of people dying, I think it says more about you than anything else, but nobody's stopping you.

Looking for a laugh and came across this thread again... funnier than most jokes... haha... forgotten what value R&B was...WADH... comeback R&B

[nwdfanparade]

Did you hear about the deformed dwarf?
He was 6'2"

It's true. Here's proof

giant dwarfs.jpg (177.75 KiB) Viewed 1370 times

[smac]

Trying a new drink named Sandy.

It's a watered down Manhatten.

[nwdfanparade]

Any truth in the rumour that Andy Collins was in Manhatten immediately after the hurricane to get ideas for next season?

[Baron Greenback]

What do you say to a two headed alien?




hello, hello

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

[locky801]

A CALIFORNIA Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from DALLAS when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

[locky801]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards,forward,then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth........in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,







"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

[Johno6]

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "Potentiaity"
and "reality"?" Dad: "I will show you" Dad turns to his wife and asks her:
"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"? Wife: "Yes of
course! I would never waste such an opportunity"! Then Dad asks his
daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!" So Dad turns to his elder son and
asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"? Elder
Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would
never hesitate!" So the father turns back to his younger son saying:" You
see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality"
We are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!!

[Hefty]

What's the difference between E.T and Kurt Ti$$ett??


E.T knew where home was.

[Lightning McQueen]

A bloke walks into a pub at Alice Springs and says to the barmaid "I'll have a schooner thanks"
She pours it walks it over to the man and places it on the bar.
"You wouldn't want a bit on the side would you love?" He asks.
"No sorry, I don't get into that sort of stuff" She replies.
"I'll give you $250"
She thinks about it for a minute and say's "Allright then, just don't tell anyone"
They go out the back and get into it.
Next night he walks in again and say's "I'll have a schooner thanks love"
She pours it and then walks it across to him where he ask's again "Would you want another bit on the side love?"
She say's "Last night was pretty good but I'll have to give it a miss"
"I'll give you another $250" He adds
She agrees and they proceed to the back of the pub again where they go at it again.
The following night he walks into the bar and she's all dolled up and asks "Do you want a schooner again sir?
"Yeah sure, why not" He replies.
She delivers it and leans across the bar and whispers "So, you want another bit on the side"
"Na, I better not, I've gotta get back home" He replies to her amazement.
"Home, where do you live?"
Darwin"
"I've got a brother that lives in Darwin"
"Yeah I know, he sent me down to give you $500"

[Dogmatic]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.