BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier in there standing at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags headed home for retirement.

[locky801]

paddy and murphy were walking along when paddy stopped and picked up a piece of broken mirror and began looking into it. murphy said, what are doing, he said, im sure i know this bloke, ive seen him before somewhere. murphy said, give it to me let me have a look, he said, of course you know him, its me.

[locky801]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was . . . a pig lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
“And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a pig lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .. . ... ..........
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[locky801]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local bar.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the lights would go out. Each time this happened, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, “Okay, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the bar.
After a few minutes, as the lights went out again and the nun came back out, the whole place stopped to give the nun a loud, enthusiastic round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

[locky801]

Paddy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of The night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" Paddy said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside Me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, Paddy" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Paddy won the prize the other Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's Only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by The ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[locky801]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[locky801]

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.

[locky801]

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position.
When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place
I ever worked:
They played a game called Bridge and last night lots of folks were there.
As I was about to bring in the refreshments, i heard a man say. 'Lay down and let me see what you've got.'
Another man said. 'I've got strength but no length.'
Another man said to a lady, 'Take your hand off my trick.'
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered. 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.'
Another lady was talking about her protecting her honour.
And two other ladies said. 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.'
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving,
I hope to die if I didn't hear someone say.
'Well, I guess we'll go home now, that was the last rubber.'

[locky801]

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous erection,
but his wife was already up & preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up,
so he grabbed his cell phone and sent a text to his wife:
“The tent pole is up,
the canvas is spread.
The hell with breakfast,
come back to bed.”
The wife answered the text:
“Take the tent pole down,
put the canvas away.
The monkeys exhausted.
No circus today.”
So he sent another text:
“The tent poles still up
and the canvas still spread,
so drop what you’re doing
and get in this bed.”
To which she sent a text back:
“I know that your poles
the best in the land,
but I’m busy right now,
so do it by hand!!

[locky801]

Pat and Mick decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Pat gets called in for his interview.
The boss asks Pat if he had worked underground mines before, and Pat replies, "Yes, of course I have."
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked, and Pat says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet." The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that; get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Pat tells Mick to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job.
Mick gets called in. The boss asks Mick if he had worked underground mines before, to which Mick says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked, and Mick says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."
The boss says, "20,000 feet, wow! That is incredible! What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"
Mick says, "Oh, I didn't need lights, I worked on the day shift!"

[locky801]

A teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right & wrong.
"Let's take an example.
If I were to get into a man's pocket & take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
A little boy raises his hand and with a confident smile, says, "You'd be his wife!"

[locky801]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, a huge hall with gleaming machines sharp as razors. The father thought, "this should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said: "Son, this is the heart of the factory.
With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The son, openly sneering, said: "Yea yea, that's nice, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The furious father thought and said: "Yes son, we call it your mother."

[locky801]

Did you hear about the Irish hypochondriac? He wouldn't have sex until the swelling went down.

[locky801]

I was checking out at the shops this morning when I noticed the man in front of me put one thing on the conveyer belt... A box of condoms.
Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.
So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of sauce on and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages".

[locky801]

Ackie joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and Ackie immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
Ackie replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Ackie continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says Ackie .
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
Ackie staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
Ackie yells, 'Here's my membership cerd. Ye can hev e key back an ye can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
Ackie replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years owld. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

[locky801]

Bad i know but couldn't resist

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There were only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...They buried her.

[locky801]

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!!.

[locky801]

I got stopped by the cops on my way home last night.
'Do you know why we stopped you, Sir?'
'Yeah. I was weaving all over the road.' 'How much have you had to drink tonight, Sir?'
'Oh, nothing.' 'So why were you weaving all over the road, then?'
'I live round here. I was just avoiding the bloody potholes.

[locky801]

I was nervous waiting to take my driving test and the examiner appeared, man she was beautiful, tits, legs, arse, the full milf kit. So we started the test and she undid a top button, well the blood in my head soon transferred to my other head. Anyway, she told me to pull up and winked at me and started to take her clothes off, well I was in like a rat up a drain pipe, in fact I only managed about a minute. So we dressed and set off again back to the test centre, and pulled up, "How did I do? " I asked with a smile. "You failed, " she said, "You pulled out far to quickly. "

[locky801]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again.
“I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.”
She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck.
“I want a house.” She says insistently.
Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too.”
She continues. 65mph. “And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
“The airbag!”