BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 8:18 am

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!


She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !


Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 12:57 am

A New York attorney representing a very wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client,
"Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.

I think she could be right.”Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!

You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"……….

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Feb 04, 2018 3:30 am

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:51 am

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

(Shane Wakelin).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'

(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in

groups of three, then line up in a circle.'

(Barry Hallâ Sydney Captain at training)..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Brock Maclean ( Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt :

'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'

(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs. Day Games

'It's basically the same, just darker.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Barassi, I don't know and I don't care.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:

'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'

(Dermott Brereton).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'

(Mark Williams).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then

they scored.'

(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'

(Luke Darcy).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.'

(Dermott Brereton).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'

(Adrian Anderson).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

(Andrew Demetriou).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.'

(Dermott Brereton).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.'

(Terry Wallace).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?

David Swartz: 'On what?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'

(Dermott Brereton).
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 4:42 pm

Question...
If I fill my waterbed with spring water, will it have more bounce?
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 8:28 pm

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said,

"That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."



The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister,

"My monkey has grown hair."



Her sister smiled and said,



"That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:54 am

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 10, 2018 11:49 am

One day, the perfect couple Miranda and Oscar met. After a perfect flirt, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, certainly, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect Porsche along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in trouble.Being the perfect couple, they stopped for help. Amazedly he was Santa Claus.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. They don’t want to disappoint any children on the Christmas Eve,the perfect couple loaded Santa Claus and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Of course the perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 17, 2018 3:28 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Feb 18, 2018 5:45 pm

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Feb 20, 2018 4:50 pm

MAYDAY
An air-traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower's land-line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger who was riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled, "Mayday, Mayday - - - the pilot has just had a
fatal heart attack, so I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket." He continued, "Luckily, the pilot had told me, before we took off, that he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"

Then, he began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in
front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: “The shite in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:41 pm

On my way to the supermarket, I passed by our local retirement village.

There on the front lawn there were six old ladies laying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way.

On my way back, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies still laying naked on the lawn.

My curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village administrator, and asked her, “Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”

“Yes”, she said, "Aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Mar 18, 2018 5:29 pm

The Operation

A Seachange Village woman has lost her case at local magistrates court today, after she tried to sue "District Hospital" after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.

Mrs Minger of Highfield Apartments, aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon "me and my husband Fred have had a wonderful sex life together until he went in hospital and had his operation, now he's not interested in me and it's all down to them"!

The Surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said "all we did was remove Fred's Cataracts to improve his eye sight"!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Mon Mar 26, 2018 11:34 am

The Australian Poetry Contest had come down to the final between a University of NSW English & Humanities Graduate and a country boy from back of Bathurst. They were given a word then allowed 2 minutes to study the word and then come up with a poem that contained said word.
The word they were given was “Timbuktu”.
The Graduate stepped forward to the microphone;

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu

The crowd cheered & applauded, no way could this country bumpkin top that.
The country lad calmly approached the microphone;

Me and Tim, a-huntin’ we went
Met three chicks in a pop up tent
They was three, we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu

He won.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Apr 02, 2018 8:45 am

After Daylight Saving Time ended
I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him,
“You idiot!
You're supposed to turn your clock back!”.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Apr 05, 2018 10:21 am

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.


Arlene : What in the hell is that?


Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.


Arlene : Where did you get it?


Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.


The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.


The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.


'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue Apr 17, 2018 10:21 am

A Jewish man was leaving a coffee shop when he notices an Italian funeral procession. But this was no ordinary procession.
First there was a hearse. Then fifty metres behind followed a second hearse. Behind it another fifty metres was a man walking a dog, and fifty metres behind him was a single line of roughly three hundred men.
Curiosity got the better of the Jew so he asked the Italian walking behind the two hearses “Excuse me, I hate to ask but who died?”
The Italian replied “My wife. She was yelling at me, again. My dog here attacked & killed her.”
“I’m so sorry” replied the Jew, “What about the second hearse?”
“My mother in law. She went to help her daughter & started screaming at me too. The dog attacked & killed her also.”
A moment of silence between the two men before the Jew quietly asked “Can I borrow your dog?”
The Italian said “Get in line...”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Apr 17, 2018 10:29 am

A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbour. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love with her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain said.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Manly ferry."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:57 pm

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Apr 24, 2018 4:00 pm

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue. sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.


While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said: “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick" ...
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