BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Movies, TV Shows, Fringe, etc.

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Aug 27, 2020 5:41 pm

JOKE FOR THE DAY:
A wealthy businessman and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, tells him she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a wealthy mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

“Ours is much prettier," replies the wife.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Aug 28, 2020 5:49 pm

Mate wanted his girlfriend to have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic.

She refused.

“If I'm going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord,” she said.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Aug 30, 2020 12:31 pm

An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman walking a dog on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the Italian woman walking the dog and said:

“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My husband’s.”

” What happened to him?”

“He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further. “But who is in the second hearse?”

The Italian woman answered.

“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence passed between the two women…

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The woman replied, “Get in line.”
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:41 pm

Jake and Mary were teenage sweethearts, both living on adjoining farms.

One day Jake and Mary were in the haystack having a romantic interlude that was getting very steamy when Jake's father passed by and saw the two 'in flagrante' with Jake's bare buttocks shining up into the sun.

Father picked up a short length of 4x2 lying nearby, snuck up on the two and brought the piece of timber down soundly onto Jake's bare buttocks...

The two lovers sprang apart and Father began scolding Jake, then turned on Mary and said,

"and as for you, young lady, I didn't think you had it in you!"

Mary looked at Jake, smiled and replied,

"Yeah, neither did I until you hit him with that piece of wood."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby nwdfanparade » Tue Sep 01, 2020 9:14 pm

A guy walks into McDonalds and orders 3 mega-burgers, 4 large serves of fries, 3 large cokes, 30 chicken nuggets and 3 serves of salad. A short time later he collects his order and walks out of McDonalds. As soon as he steps outside, a homeless man walks up to him and says "I haven't eaten for 3 days". The guy replies, "wish I had your will power!"
User avatar
nwdfanparade
Under 18s
 
 
Posts: 727
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2008 9:07 pm
Has liked: 10 times
Been liked: 145 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Sep 03, 2020 5:16 pm

Little nine year old Johnny's teacher was young and very pretty. She noticed that Johnny's work was slipping and he wasn't doing too well in class so she kept him back after school to talk to him.
She said to him, "Johnny, what is the matter with you? You just don't seem to be yourself lately."
Johnny sighed and said, "I'm in love, Miss."
The teacher smiled at the idea of a nine year old boy being in love and asked,
"Who are you in love with, Johnny?"
Johnny replied, "With you, Miss."
The teacher was taken aback and said,
"But Johnny, don't you see that is silly? Sure I will want a husband someday, but I don't want a child."
Johnny beamed a smile and said,
"That's OK Miss. I'll wear a rubber."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Lightning McQueen » Thu Sep 10, 2020 10:07 am

Went to my mates farm for the weekend and he says to me "Hey, I've got 28 sheep I need to round up, can you please help me out?"

"No worries, 30" I replied.
HOGG SHIELD DIVISION V WINNER 2018.
User avatar
Lightning McQueen
Coach
 
Posts: 51285
Joined: Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:43 am
Location: Radiator Springs
Has liked: 4339 times
Been liked: 7902 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Thu Sep 10, 2020 10:18 am

Lightning McQueen wrote:Went to my mates farm for the weekend and he says to me "Hey, I've got 28 sheep I need to round up, can you please help me out?"

"No worries, 30" I replied.


You deserve a holiday for that...
2017 safooty NFL tipping champ

Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive...
Spargo
Coach
 
 
Posts: 15877
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2012 4:42 pm
Location: Getting out of Dodge
Has liked: 5457 times
Been liked: 5089 times
Grassroots Team: Sacred Heart OC

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Lightning McQueen » Thu Sep 10, 2020 10:57 am

Spargo wrote:
Lightning McQueen wrote:Went to my mates farm for the weekend and he says to me "Hey, I've got 28 sheep I need to round up, can you please help me out?"

"No worries, 30" I replied.


You deserve a holiday for that...


It was a "had to be there" moment.
HOGG SHIELD DIVISION V WINNER 2018.
User avatar
Lightning McQueen
Coach
 
Posts: 51285
Joined: Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:43 am
Location: Radiator Springs
Has liked: 4339 times
Been liked: 7902 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Sep 10, 2020 2:54 pm

It was a fine day in the magical forest. The wizard of Oz was walking along enjoying the sunshine and the song of the birds when a toad came out of the woods.
"I've been cursed by a wicked witch" Moaned the toad. I was a handsome prince and she turned me into a TOAD! And to make matters worse, she made my penis long and YELLOW! What am I to do?"
The wizard looked at him and said, "I can break the spell but I don't have all the magical ingredients here. You will need to go to my castle and wait until I get back."
The toad said, "Thank you, great wizard." and off he hopped towards the castle.
A few minutes later a bright purple pig came wailing up to the wizard. "
"I've been cursed." Cried the pig. "The wicked witch turned me from a munchkin into a pig. What ever shall I do?"
The wizard replied, "There, there, pig. Just go to my castle and wait until I get back and I shall reverse the spell."
"But how do I get to your castle?" The pig wailed. "I know not where it lies"
The wizard pointed along the path where the toad was still hopping along, and said:
"Just follow the yellow prick toad"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Sep 14, 2020 3:54 pm

A Catholic priest was driving his car when he was involved in an accident with another car driven by a Rabbi… They got out and exchanged particulars. After a few minutes the Rabbi said, “You know, you seem really decent for a ‘goy’. I know our faiths have always been at loggerheads, but in a token gesture of peace I would like to propose a toast.” The Rabbi reaches under his driver’s seat and pulls out a bottle of Jameson Whiskey and hands it to the priest, saying “here...Lacheim” The Catholic priest accepts the bottle and takes a mighty swig, handing it back to the Rabbi. The rabbi holds up his hands and says, “No, no…You keep it.” The Catholic priest replies, “What? Aren’t you going to have a drink?” The Rabbi replies, “No, I think I will just wait here with you until the police arrive…”
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Sep 17, 2020 4:50 pm

Hubby was well known for 'putting his foot in' whenever his wife had her circle of lady friends around for a visit. She had planned a nice evening with her social circle and did not want her hubby around to spoil it, so she sent him off to the pub.

As it happened he came home early just a little tipsy and was met at the door by his wife. "What are you doing home? You're drunk. Just go into the lounge, sit down and don't say anything while I get you a cup of coffee."

His wife made coffee and returned to the lounge room to find all her friends had left.

"What did you do?" She screeched, "What did you say to make them leave?"

Hubby shrugged and said, "Nothing. I sat down as one of the ladies was saying how she had mice in her home. Another lady suggested she should stuff their holes with steel wool. All I did was ask, 'who's going to hold their tiny little legs apart'?"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:41 pm

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're ra-ther slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Mon Sep 21, 2020 9:22 pm

Youngest Daughter, almost 8, comes home from school today.
“Dad, have you seen the movie “Constipation”?
Me, “No”
YD, “It hasn’t come out yet”...
2017 safooty NFL tipping champ

Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive...
Spargo
Coach
 
 
Posts: 15877
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2012 4:42 pm
Location: Getting out of Dodge
Has liked: 5457 times
Been liked: 5089 times
Grassroots Team: Sacred Heart OC

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Sep 27, 2020 11:31 am

A bloke goes to a sex shop and buys himself a blow-up sex doll. The next day he comes back to the shop totally pissed off.
He walks up to the guy behind the counter and says,
"I come in here yesterday and bought this bloody blow-up doll for fifty dollars. Last night I blew it up but when I went to use it, it went down on me!"
The bloke behind the counter replies,
"Bloody hell, mate. If I'd know that, I would have charged you a HUNDRED dollars!"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Sep 28, 2020 2:10 pm

COVID UPDATE
Medical experts in Melbourne today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdown.
Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons are keeping abreast of the situation.
Dentists are down in the mouth but they think they we will get to the root of the problem
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in politics.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Oct 20, 2020 3:26 pm

I am 61 years old and I realized I still have so many unanswered questions!!!! I never found out who let the Dogs Out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ..
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Nov 12, 2020 2:08 pm

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Nov 19, 2020 5:11 pm

A little 10 year old boy, dressed in a cowboy outfit, complete with silver cap guns on his belt, enters a milk bar. He moseys over to the lady behind the counter and says in his best Randolph Scott voice, "A'll have a Nut Sunday, ma'am."
The lady smiles and says, " One scoop or two"
The boy quick-draws both pistols, points them at her, and growls: "Two scoops."
She complies and then asks, "What flavor would you like?"
Again the boy quick-draws both pistols, points them and growls, "Chocolate"
The lady complies, then asks "Do you want your nuts crushed?"
Again the quick-draw and the growl, the boy replies, "Do you want your tits shot off?"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Nov 29, 2020 4:27 pm

A man wakes up in Hospital in Australia bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Highway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything,
but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
"You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite bench tops."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
User avatar
locky801
Coach
 
Posts: 55751
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:11 pm
Location: working all around Australia and loving it
Has liked: 3647 times
Been liked: 1160 times

PreviousNext

Board index   General Talk  Entertainment

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests

Around the place

Competitions   SANFL Official Site | Country Footy SA | Southern Football League | VFL Footy
Club Forums   Snouts Louts | The Roost | Redlegs Forum |