SA Footy

Bloke and his wife are having marriage counselling and all starts off ok, they are civil and bring up legitimate concerns.

A few back and forths go on and the husband runs out of complaints, wifey on the other hand keeps sprouting off all her issues.

Husband sits there with arms folded, rolling his eyes as the wife dribbles on and on about him leaving the toilet seat up and dropping clothes around the house and not cleaning up after himself and blah blah blah...

The counsellor slowly gets out of his chair as the wife is speaking, he walks around to where she is sitting, stands her up and starts kissing her.

The husband's jaw hits the ground as he watches the counsellor pashing his wife but appreciates the silence that ensues. The counsellor finishes kissing her and the wife remains quiet, unsure of exactly what just happened.

The counsellor returns to his seat and says to the husband,

'You see what just happened there, a little bit of affection can change everything, I suggest you try this at least 3-4 times per week.'

The husband looks at the roof as if to think and says,

'Thats a tough ask, what days do you you suggest I bring her in?'

An old mans sitting on his porch one afternoon, and sees some kids walking past. They are carrying some chicken wire.

The old man yells, "Hey, what are you kids doing with that chicken wire?"

One of the kids yells back, "Gonna catch some chickens!"

The old man retorts, "You aren't gonna catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The kids walk off. An hour or so later the kids come walking back past the old man with chickens under their arms.

The next day, the same kids are walking past the old man with a heap of duct tape.

The old man yells, "What are you kids doing with that duct tape?"

A kid yells back, "Gonna catch some ducks!"

The old man yells, "You ain't gonna catch damn ducks with duct tape!"

An hour or so later, the kids come walking back past with ducks under their arms. The old man is astonished.

The next day, the same kids come walking past the old mans house again. He can see something in their hands, but can't make it out.

"What do you have there?" he yells.

"Pussywillow," one of the kids yell back.

The old man yells back quickly, "Hold on, let me get my hat!"

(People better like this coz I had to type it out from memory from a show I watched last night)

whats the difference between boogers and broccoli?

kids won't eat broccoli

What's the difference between pink & purple?





The grip.

Richmond today

Special Package for Businessmen.



An Airline introduced a special package for Businessmen.
Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"



New SIM to surprise her husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.


Cool message by a wife

Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"


Throwing knives at wife's picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."


Habit of talking in sleep (best)

A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.


NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around & no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Your husband needs rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs a rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you !

.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,

'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.

Two Italian men get on the bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.""You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old football players aside and asked, 'Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The
little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an
out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you
understand all that? '
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so
another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or
shithead" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
GOOD', said the coach . . .
'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'

I went to the zoo the other day.
only had one dog
One dog at the zoo
can you believe it


it was a shitzoo.

ABE & ESTHER, A TAX STORY ******

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address
system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I
have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we
will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island
below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds
are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island
for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely
on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our
Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we
pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send the Income tax
cheque to Inland Revenue this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe" begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls
away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Financial Adviser


JUST IMAGINE..

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Qantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today!

BUT.... if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the
aluminum cans for recycling....YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!

BASED ON THE ABOVE,
THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!
AND, DID YOU KNOW...

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks 900 MILES A YEAR!!!

Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR!!!

THAT MEANS THAT, ON AVERAGE, AUSSIES GET ..... 41 MILES TO THE GALLON.

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE," DOESN'T IT?

locky801 wrote:Financial Adviser


JUST IMAGINE..

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Qantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today!

BUT.... if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the
aluminum cans for recycling....YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!

Where you buying your beer from? My calculations would be around $60 if a carton was $40

OnSong wrote:

locky801 wrote:Financial Adviser


JUST IMAGINE..

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Qantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today!

BUT.... if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the
aluminum cans for recycling....YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!

Where you buying your beer from? My calculations would be around $60 if a carton was $40

That sounds more like it to me OS, $75 if they're West End 30 Blocks.

STOLE THIS ONE to good not to put up here


A little boy asked his Dad: What’s between mom’s legs? The father answers: Paradise, my son.
The kid asks again : What’s between your legs? The father replies: The key to the paradise.
The son says: Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key!!

Guy chats a blonde at a night club
" Do you come here often?"
" No, but I do in back seats of cars."

Three Crows supporters sitting at a bar discussing who was the drunkest the previous day

1st drunk says "i was so drunk last night i went home and blew chunks"

2nd drunk says "Thats nothing! I was so drunk last night i drove home crashed into a tree kicked my front door down and woke up in the garden."

3rd drunk says "Thats nothing! I was so drunk last night I stole a police car drove it into my house threw the TV out of the window and wet the bed."

The 1st drunk says "I dont think you understood me. Chunks is my dog"

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws.

"The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a bacon sandwich.

"The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.

"The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for a moment...

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich, doesn't it?"

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"