Ask Tobias, and ye shall receive.
The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Thirteen
Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You’ve come to the right place.
Fremantle (80) v Collingwood (73)
I’m all in on Thursday Night Footy just quietly. One less day of the week without football is always a good thing, just one less pointless day in my life.
To think, there are people who think sport isn’t the most important thing in life!
It must be a meaningless existence to fill your life with only art, learning, friends and travel.
While I’m a fan of Thursday Night football, I’m less so of this alarming trend of improvement that Collingwood are showing.
I could handle them beating the bottom sides but taking it to premiership contenders is just too much thanks.
The deal was, Carlton gets Malthouse, which screws them up and then it turns out Buckley can’t coach and Eddie stuffed it all up.
It was a wonderful story! We all loved it. Carlton did their bit and then some but now Collingwood have gone and ruined it.
It could have been even worse. If Jesse White could kick straight the Pies might just have pinched this. At least Jesse can be counted on. No wonder Eddie is so angry with Sydney.
Fremantle have gone from looking unbeatable to almost beatable. They’re still great but sides seem to be figuring them out a bit. Still, it’s a good problem to have, especially when Hawthorn and Sydney are looking a bit below their best.
Nat Fyfe continues to get mentioned all the time but in fairness, it’s because he’s really good at football.
It must be nice to be that good at something. I was once pretty good at singing but puberty fixed that. Thanks puberty.
Sydney (77) v Richmond (95)
So it turns out 70,000 people can’t be wrong, at least this week. This was truly an impressive victory by Richmond and just so typical of them.
Teams like Richmond and North are the reason we can never get our tips right.
Not only did the Tigers beat a top opponent on the road, they also knocked out Sydney’s forward line for a few weeks. Kudos.
All the things that usually go wrong for Richmond, didn’t. Their leaders stood up with Cotchin leading from the front, they rose when challenged physically and they never gave up.
Jack Riewoldt did what Sydney’s forwards forgot to do and kicked goals, six of them.
It seems the Tiges are better away, a pity then that the Grand Final is played at the MCG. To be fair, I don’t see that being a problem for them though (read that sentence how you like Richmond fans).
For the Swans, this was a bizarre performance. They started well but seemed to become distracted.
When Lance Franklin went over Shane Edwards like he was a row of parked cars and was subsequently reported, he seemed to lose interest in the game. From that point on Alex Rance made sure he didn’t get a look in.
Later on Kurt Tippet, taking inspiration from former WWE superstar Tito Santana, launched a ‘Flying forearm’ on Dylan Grimes. Though to give Kurt the benefit of the doubt, it could be just the fact he is somewhat uncoordinated.
What an expensive disappointment he is becoming.
It was stupid, undisciplined stuff from the Swans and it took their focus off the footy.
I should add the Adam Goodes copped a lot of attention for what appeared to be a low blow to Taylor Hunt. However, in real time it’s clear it wasn’t with any force and Goodes hand just accidentally slipped up Hunt’s lower thigh a bit far.
Personally, I always thought this was just part of the fun of the game, the always present chance of being accidentally felt up by an Australian of the Year.
Hawthorn (114) v Essendon (76)
Speaking of Goodes, a few weeks ago he threw an imaginary spear at a bunch of Carlton supporters. It was amazing that nobody got hurt and what did the AFL do? Nothing.
This week we had Sam Mitchell brandish an imaginary needle on the field, surely the time to crack down on theatre sports in footy has come.
Luckily, no one was physically hurt this time but Jake Carlise’s feelings got hurt and given he always looks like he’s close to crying, that’s a real concern.
Unfortunately, we may never know what type of drug Sam Mitchell was pretending to inject. Was it even legal? I hope the Hawks have an imaginary Excel spreadsheet somewhere.
Still it adds to the story of the ‘unsociable Hawks,’ which is a nice way of saying ‘dirty’.
Unsociable is when you turn up to a BBQ and stand in the corner and not talk to anyone. Trust me, I know what unsociable is.
The Hawks are the equivalent of people who show up to the BBQ and punch people in the stomach. Unsociable probably is underselling what they do.
Hawthorn plays Collingwood next, look for the Hawks to mimic eating an amazing amount of New Zealand steak.
What to make of the Bombers’ performance then? It was pretty bad. It’s easy to blame it all on Hird. Really easy, give it a go. See?
This is a side that for whatever reason looks completely lost. Their skills are bad and their endurance would be more at home at the EJ Whitten tribute match.
Personally, I couldn’t be keener to see Hird remain at Essendon, like when the Allies wanted Hitler to remain alive because he was terrible at military strategy.
Not that I’m comparing Hird to Hitler, although he did bang on about propaganda a lot this week.
Brisbane (69) v Adelaide (82)
What was this Adelaide? Phil Walsh may claim it’s like seeing a Van Gogh painting but this was more like a two-year olds finger painting, just embarrassing stuff for everyone to see.
In the end, the Crows won but only because the Lions are now fielding a side made up of anyone living in Brisbane who is fit enough to play.
It meant they ran out of gas in the last quarter and the Crows, stocked with actual AFL players, managed to finally get over the top.
There was some bad news for the Crows too, with Rory Sloane fracturing his cheekbone.
As someone who also has perfect cheekbones, I understand how devastating that must be. Really, opponents shouldn’t be allowed to touch Rory’s face.
St Kilda (56) v Western Bulldogs (62)
This was a tough arm-wrestle, which is code for ‘somewhat boring, low skilled, low scoring affair’.
The first half was just the worst. There were only six goals kicked and only the lack of another AFL game kept me watching.
The second half ‘opened up’ if I was being generous but I’m not, it was also awful.
Really, the closeness of the game made it seem more exciting than it really was.
Probably the highlight of this match was when the delivery guy turned up with the Indian food during the third quarter and I noticed they’d added extra naan bread. Also the butter chicken was amazing.
Sure, I know it’s a pretty westernised dish but there’s a reason it’s a classic.
Anyway, the difference in the footy was probably Easton Wood and Bob Murphy rebounding off the back half.
That Easton Wood is so good that even the media have begun noticing him, while Bob Murphy can really do this captaining thing.
St Kilda coach Alan Richardson pointed out after the game that it’s pretty hard to defend when you keep kicking the ball to your opponent. He’s totally right. They should do something about that.
Carlton (103) v Gold Coast (69)
How can you tell your life hasn’t worked out? You’re a neutral fan and you watched this.
Despite the win it was a real missed opportunity for the Blues, surely one of their players could have mimicked snorting cocaine at a Suns player. The opportunity was right there.
What’s the point of the Suns, apart from raising awareness of the AFL amongst law enforcement agencies?
Apparently, the Suns players are split between a group that likes to go out drinking and a so-called ‘God Squad’ who prefer prayer.
It must be a horrible place for a tee-totaling atheist then.
Still, the Suns would have been pretty distracted that Karmichael Hunt has tipped a bucket on them. Good bloke that Karmichael, selling everyone else out to save himself.
Remember the big send off the AFL gave him? I wonder if the Suns will get a similar one when they fold.
Still, a lot of the cocaine taking makes sense when you learn a lot of it happened on a golf trip. I’d have to be on a fair bit of cocaine to enjoy golf.
Admit it, we all preferred Carlton under Malthouse. This winning thing the Blues are doing is not funny at all.
There can be no doubt the players have bought in to not having Mick Malthouse and are actually trying.
If they’d done this from the start they could have not wasted this whole season. Oh well, best not to dwell on that.
PAFC. Forever.
LOOK OUT, WE'RE COMING!
