Channel Nine issues pre-emptive apology for summer commentary
Channel Nine management have taken the extraordinary step of apologising to all Australians ahead of another summer of cricket commentary.
“After last season, we thought that asking the guys to inject more of their personalities into the game was a terrible mistake,” said a Channel Nine spokesperson.
“Unfortunately, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, so we’ve decided we needed to apologise in advance for the banality and countless cringe-worthy moments we are about to unleash on our viewers.”
Viewers said they welcomed the apology but would prefer a more holistic solution along the lines of ‘competent commentators.’
“Saying sorry is nice and all but I still have to listen to this nonsense,” said Barry Jenkins, 84, a lifelong cricket fan.
“What happened to the days of Richie and the crew? Those days seem so far gone now.
“A TV can only take so many VB cans being thrown at it before it breaks. Especially these new thin ones they build in China.”
Jessica Clements, nine, said she was a new cricket fan and thought the commentary reminded her of Anthony, her drunk and spectacularly hopeless uncle.
“Anthony says inane things a lot and his jokes are both obvious and belong in the 1950s, he’d fit right in,” she said.
“The difference is Anthony isn’t on television and being paid a lot to espouse what is ultimately garbage. That said, I’m only nine so what would I know?”
Cricket Australia said they supported Channel Nine’s pre-emptive apology but thought calls for better commentators were unhelpful.
“All the guys on Nine’s commentary team are just wonderful blokes. Heals, Tubby, Slats and that English guy are just terrific fellas,” said Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland.
“You couldn’t find a better bunch of guys to go out for a night on the tiles with.”
“If we started firing ripping blokes like them, just because they were incompetent, it would have bigger effects than just cricket commentary. Corporate Australia would collapse entirely and we’d have competent women everywhere.”
When asked to comment on being apologised for in advance, Mark Taylor reminded everyone to buy an air conditioner, while he furiously plucked a mandolin.