Nurses (desk calendar) Jokes, Antidotes, etc (no pics)

[MightyEagles]

In January 2006, a nurse from Kyoto, Japan, was sentenced to more than three years in prison after she was found guilty of engaging in a bizarre way of reliving work-related stress - tearing off the fingernails and toenails of incapacitated patients.

[MightyEagles]

UBI: unexplained beer injury

GOL: God only knows (what's wrong with this patient)

DQA: drama queen alert

[MightyEagles]

For sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed, they must be interrupted.

[MightyEagles]

The average human could survive for several weeks without food (as long as water is available). But lose just a few nights of sleep and people start experiencing radical personality and psychological changes. In other words, Don't ask a nurse to pull too many doubles.

[MightyEagles]

Art of the Chart

Patient on hospice, passed away at 0245, with all goals met.

[MightyEagles]

Nurse: What is you maximum weight?
Patient: Two hundred and four pounds.
Nurse; And the least you've ever weighed?
Patient: Eight pounds, six ounces.

[MightyEagles]

True tale

When I was a nursing student, I was sent to check a patient's groin dressing after his heart catheterization. The hospital I worked at used large pressure dressings after heart caths. When I pulled the blanket back and looked at the dressing, I said, "Oh, that's a big one." The patient immediately replied, "Thank you." His wife then told him to stop embarrassing me.

[MightyEagles]

Q: What did the ham say when it walked out of the hospital?
A: I'm cured

[MightyEagles]

There is no room for bullies or whiners in nursing.

[MightyEagles]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every dingle day. One day, when he came to, he mentioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I was fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

[MightyEagles]

You need only two things to be a great nurse: 1) patience, 2) patients.

[MightyEagles]

At the end of the job interview, the human resources director asked the young nurse fresh out of school, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The nurse said, "In the neighbourhood of $70, 000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well," the human resources director said, "what would you say to five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental coverage, a retirement matching fund of up to 50 percent of your salary, and a company car?"

The nurse smiled from ear to ear. "You've got to be kidding!"

"Yeah," the director replied, "but you started it."

[MightyEagles]

Nurses by the numbers

Employment of registered nurses is expected to grow 26 percent from 2010 to 2020, faster than the average for all occupations. Growth will occur primarily because of technological advancement advancements, an increased emphasis on preventative care, and the large, aging baby-boomer population who will demand more healthcare services as they live longer and lead more active lives.

[MightyEagles]

Nursing care comes in many forms. Sometimes it is the ability to make someone feel physically comfortable by various means. Other times it is the ability to improve the body's ability to achieve or maintain health. But often it is an uncanny yet well-honed knack to see beyond the obvious and address, in some way, the deeper need of the human soul.

[MightyEagles]

An older gentleman patient called the nurse into complain about the Kentucky jelly sent up by the cafeteria. It just didn't taste right. When he showed her what he used, it turned out to be K-Y Jelly the nurse left on the bed by accident.

[MightyEagles]

- You might be able to use your hand to stop that rotary sander ... for a second.
- Never let your older brother cut your hair with kitchen shears. He might miss and cut your ear in half.
- Never add charcoal lighter fluid to a fire that is already lit.

[MightyEagles]

In thirty minutes, the human body gives off enough cumulative heat to bring a half-gallon of water to a boil. Who needs a trip to the break room for coffee?

[MightyEagles]

Teacher: Today we're going to watch a video about the history of medicine.

Nursing Student: Oh, please, not another doc-umentary

[MightyEagles]

Nursing is a career in which not all goals are attainable, not all successes measurable, and not all outcomes predictable, but each small step toward these achievements brings new hope and healing. In the end, a small child grinning from ear to ear or the soft gentle touch of the hand is priceless.

[MightyEagles]

A man went to the hospital and received terrible news - he would be dead twenty-four hours. The man went home and told his wife the news, then asked if they could make mad, passionate love all night long. His wife replied, "Well, that's all right for you, but I've got to get up in the morning!"