Re: Things that make you laugh
Posted: Fri May 29, 2015 9:53 amhttp://www.news.com.au/entertainment/ce ... 7373938459
“I BELIEVE in the vagina like other people believe in God. I’ve never seen one before, but I have faith.”
That joke, originally told by Brent Weinbach, has been nominated as one of the greatest jokes ever told by a group of 22 comedians who submitted their all time favourite lines to Esquire.
Here are some of the other standout jokes:
Jessi Klein: “Louis CK’s joke about how you could tell how bad of a person you were by how long it took you after 9/11 to masturbate. For him it was between the first building going down and the second tower going down.”
Chris D’Elia: “From an Eddie Murphy bit in Delirious: ‘Ever have a heavy-set aunt fall down the steps? Make a whole lot of fu**in’ noise. It’s scary, too, ‘cause they be calling Jesus on the way down’.”
Damon Wayans Jr.: “Lavell Crawford. Very, very fat man. Very funny. He had a joke: ‘The other day I got out of the car and this little boy was walking by. He just stopped and he stared at me and he was like, ‘Whoa.’ Then I was like, ‘Boy, whatchu lookin’ at?’ Little boy was like, ‘I can’t even fit all of you in my eyes’.”
Riki Lindhome: “It’s from Anthony Jeselnik: ‘When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mum said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle’.”
Rory Scovel: “A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it and the woman at the counter says, ‘Let me guess, you’re single?’ And he says, ‘Yeah, how could you tell?’ And she says, ‘Because you’re really fu**ing ugly.’”
Iliza Shlesinger: “A man and a woman go on a game show, like a Password kind of game, and the guy has to draw a note card. On the note card is a word, and the woman has to ask questions to guess what the word is, and the guy can only answer yes or no. So the announcer’s like, ‘Your time begins now!’ And the guy picks up the note card and he’s looking at the word on the note card, and he can’t believe it because the word is horseco*k. The guy’s sweating and he’s thinking, How is she going to guess this? How is this ever going to happen? The woman starts asking questions: ‘Um ... I don’t know where to begin. Is it something I could put in my mouth?’ The guy’s standing there unsure, and he’s like thinking and he’s like, ‘Yeah, technically, yes, it is something you could put in your mouth, yep.’ And the woman goes, ‘Um, okay ... is it horseco*k?’
“I BELIEVE in the vagina like other people believe in God. I’ve never seen one before, but I have faith.”
That joke, originally told by Brent Weinbach, has been nominated as one of the greatest jokes ever told by a group of 22 comedians who submitted their all time favourite lines to Esquire.
Here are some of the other standout jokes:
Jessi Klein: “Louis CK’s joke about how you could tell how bad of a person you were by how long it took you after 9/11 to masturbate. For him it was between the first building going down and the second tower going down.”
Chris D’Elia: “From an Eddie Murphy bit in Delirious: ‘Ever have a heavy-set aunt fall down the steps? Make a whole lot of fu**in’ noise. It’s scary, too, ‘cause they be calling Jesus on the way down’.”
Damon Wayans Jr.: “Lavell Crawford. Very, very fat man. Very funny. He had a joke: ‘The other day I got out of the car and this little boy was walking by. He just stopped and he stared at me and he was like, ‘Whoa.’ Then I was like, ‘Boy, whatchu lookin’ at?’ Little boy was like, ‘I can’t even fit all of you in my eyes’.”
Riki Lindhome: “It’s from Anthony Jeselnik: ‘When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mum said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle’.”
Rory Scovel: “A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it and the woman at the counter says, ‘Let me guess, you’re single?’ And he says, ‘Yeah, how could you tell?’ And she says, ‘Because you’re really fu**ing ugly.’”
Iliza Shlesinger: “A man and a woman go on a game show, like a Password kind of game, and the guy has to draw a note card. On the note card is a word, and the woman has to ask questions to guess what the word is, and the guy can only answer yes or no. So the announcer’s like, ‘Your time begins now!’ And the guy picks up the note card and he’s looking at the word on the note card, and he can’t believe it because the word is horseco*k. The guy’s sweating and he’s thinking, How is she going to guess this? How is this ever going to happen? The woman starts asking questions: ‘Um ... I don’t know where to begin. Is it something I could put in my mouth?’ The guy’s standing there unsure, and he’s like thinking and he’s like, ‘Yeah, technically, yes, it is something you could put in your mouth, yep.’ And the woman goes, ‘Um, okay ... is it horseco*k?’
