Nurses (desk calendar) Jokes, Antidotes, etc (no pics)

[DOC]

I don't get it Psyber, do you need to say it with a Mexican accent?

[MightyEagles]

19/2/14

Never mistake motion for action.

[MightyEagles]

I was talking to my nurse about a weight -loss patch I had seen advertised. Supposedly, you stick it on, and the pounds melt away. "Do you think it works?" I asked.

"Sure," he said, "if you put it over your mouth."

[woodublieve12]

bit of an oldie...

What's the difference between a nurse and a ladder???




Not everyone has been up a ladder...

BOOM TISH...

[MightyEagles]

Never say the q word or the s word: quiet or slow. Pronouncing your shift either quiet or slow will result in an onslaught of the most difficult patients with the messiest problems. Similarly, bringing a book, magazine, knitting, or any other time-killing activity will guarantee a backbreaking shift.

[MightyEagles]

In the first exercise of a natural childbirth class, the fathers-to-be had to wear a bag of sand so they could get a better sense of what it feels to be pregnant.

One husband stood up and shrugged, saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The nurse instructor then purposefully dropped her pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the nurse.

He instantly made friends of all the other men in the room when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

[dedja]

best work yet ... keep them coming

[MightyEagles]

Quick Funnies

Patient: Am I going to die?
Nurse: That's the last thing you're going to do!

[MightyEagles]

Alt. Careers for Nurses

Consultant: This just a made-up job anyway. And you have seen all the other idiots who do it.
Fast food restaurant worker: No one takes more orders and juggles more items at the same time then you

[MightyEagles]

I have a friend who found a strange plant in her garden one day. She watered it for three months and still wasn't sure it was a vegetable. Her sister was a nurse and said she knew how she felt.

[MightyEagles]

Lessons learned from patients

- Don't cut a tree stump by kneeling down and pulling the chainsaw toward yourself
- If your wife is driving you to the ER for a suspected heart attack, don't stop at Hungry Jacks en route
- Don't swallow stuff just to see how cool it looks on an x-ray

[MightyEagles]

Starbucks Drinks or Medical Conditions?

Would you drink or diagnose

Trenta Soy Tazo?
Calcific Bursitis?
Doppio Macchiato Ristretto?
Vivanno Smoothie?
Vitreous Floaters?

[MightyEagles]

My health plan doesn't cover dental, so I enrolled my teeth as thirty-two dependents, each needing a complete physical once a year.

[MightyEagles]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.

[MightyEagles]

Anatomy of a Nurse

Every day you produce four to eight cups of urine, based on your food and drink intake and your activity level. A full bladder is about the size of a softball - though it is rumoured that some nurses have basketball-sized bladders.

[MightyEagles]

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

[mal]

Italian lady gave birth to twins
Then slipped into a coma
She woke several months later
She asked about her twins
Nurse said they were safe an well

" What did I have ?"
" You had a girl and a boy , your father named the girl Denise"
" What did he call the boy?"
" Denephew."

[MightyEagles]

True Tale

Working in the surgical recovery room one day, I was preparing to move a patient from a stretcher to a recliner and transport him over to the opposite side of our unit. I told him, "You are going to the other side now." The patient became panic-stricken and replied, "How bad is it? Am I dying?" I now choose my words much more carefully.

[MightyEagles]

Nursing in 1903

The best type of nursing girl is one who is tall and strong, and who has a certain suppleness of movement. One who is accustomed to playing lawn-tennis, who can ride, and skate, and row, makes the best material. If she can dance, especially if she is enthusiastic dancer, it is a great advantage, for graceful carriage is a thing to be cultivated, and nothing is more distasteful in a sick-room than a suspicion of clumsiness. If in addition to being well formed she is favoured with good looks, if is all in her favour, for doctors readily recognise that influence of an attractive person in the management of refractory patients.

[MightyEagles]

If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle; "Take two and keep away from children."