Dad's Crap Jokes

[Strawb]

Anyone remember the old jokes that your dad used to say.
I remember a few like when I said I was hungry dad would always say G'day Hungry in ya father.
I wanna hear all the crap jokes ya old man would say.

[Dirko]

My old man used to call me "Youth".
Short for Euthanasia, as he used to say I'd be the death of him !!

[BigDaddy]

There was always the good ol' joke of mum ringing the doorbell with her arms full of shopping, and Dad answering the door, looking at mum and saying "no thanks, we don't want any", and then shutting the door again.

Was funny the first time, but then it was only funny watching mum spit it at him for the million times he did it after that!!

[BigDaddy]

or Dad sitting at the dinner table and pretending to yell at mum, saying "Where's my fork and knife?". When said fast it sounds like you are swearing "where's my fu**ing knife?". Dad thought that was hilarious!!

[Stumps]

every time i would say " me and Dad" the old man would say "you mean Javed (miandad)"- got pretty tiring after a while

[smac]

I remember a few like when I said I was hungry dad would always say G'day Hungry in ya father.

Never mind Dad, that's me you're quoting...

I recall when Dad was tired, he'd tell us "I've had the porky" or "I've had the richard". Was hilarious to a 5 year old!

[rd]

Interesting to read this discussion. I'm a Dad of two teenage girls and I can't believe some of the crap I've thought up (on the spot) over the years that have been absolute pearlers that are only funny to the family members and no one else. The best lines/jokes/wit seem to involve paying out Mothers/wierd Aunties & Uncles/the dog etc...

[godoubleblues]

Interesting to read this discussion. I'm a Dad of two teenage girls and I can't believe some of the crap I've thought up (on the spot) over the years that have been absolute pearlers that are only funny to the family members and no one else. The best lines/jokes/wit seem to involve paying out Mothers/wierd Aunties & Uncles/the dog etc...

you are doing OK if you can get the family members to laugh
my kids have always looked at me strange (and they still do at 22 and 18), but they probably look at their mother even stranger

[Punk Rooster]

"pull my finger"

[Plunge Penguin]

When Dad used to stand in front of the TV sometimes, we'd say "Dad, can you move?", and he'd start to dance from side to side.

[Aerie]

My sister hated peas - Dad would always say "give peas a chance"...

I would complain my sister pinched me - Dad would say to sister "give him back"...

Most amusing moments though were when Dad was the butt of the joke - like at Kangaroo Island when he was taking a photo of a baby sea lion and a huge sea lion started chasing him. Or when we were on the Great Barrier Reef and me, Mum and my sister were below in the basement of the boat with a glass window looking out under water and Dad decided to dive down and wave at us and pull faces, then someone threw all the scrap food from lunch overboard unaware he was down there and a million fish converged on him. He was packing it

[Footy Chick]

"pull my finger"

There is nothing wrong with "Pull my Finger" its ageless...

I always used to hate going to mum after I'd fallen over or hurt myself.. I'd be in tears (as you are when you're 5 and you hurt yourself) and all I'd get from Mum is " You wont die"

[smac]

That reminds me of another of Dad's favourites... Go to him and complain of a sore foot and he'd offer to chop it off... At the knee. His dry sense of humour was lost on me at a young age and I always took him seriously!

I learnt not to complain of injuries at a very young age.

[Dog_ger]

When I was about 7 years young......

I went to my Dear ol dad with a question of a school mate......

Dad, I says,

There is a fella in my class with the same surname as us but it is spelt different..... Are we related..?

My surname is Hains. His was Haines.

Ahhhhh my dad says......

Best to keep away from this Fella son.

Our families a long time ago had a tremendous feud.

Someone in the family did something wrong that can never be discussed. Never.

And after a family conference made all the bad Hains put an e in their name.

I believed this up until I was 20......

To this day I laugh to myself......

I am 50....

[johntheclaret]

"pull my finger"

There is nothing wrong with "Pull my Finger" its ageless...

I always used to hate going to mum after I'd fallen over or hurt myself.. I'd be in tears (as you are when you're 5 and you hurt yourself) and all I'd get from Mum is " You wont die"

Or as my old man used to say, "You'll die after it"

[johntheclaret]

When I was about 7 years young......

I went to my Dear ol dad with a question of a school mate......

Dad, I says,

There is a fella in my class with the same surname as us but it is spelt different..... Are we related..?

My surname is Hains. His was Haines.

Ahhhhh my dad says......

Best to keep away from this Fella son.

Our families a long time ago had a tremendous feud.

Someone in the family did something wrong that can never be discussed. Never.

And after a family conference made all the bad Hains put an e in their name.

I believed this up until I was 20......

To this day I laugh to myself......

I am 50....

Coming from anyone else, I would find that tale hard to believe