BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Sorry Dude » Wed May 14, 2014 4:01 pm

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone
Who can tell me how a patient is doing?"


The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the
nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I
have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me fu***ng anything."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue May 27, 2014 12:06 pm

Keeping the Passion Alive...
Two eighty year-old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 60 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the thrill of your life."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll do it again."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old timers at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 10 minutes of the most athletic love making the man has ever seen. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an entire hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could make love like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you make love like that 60 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "I don't think so, son. 60 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!"
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue May 27, 2014 12:22 pm

A farmer walks into a bar and orders a glass of Dom Perignon.
Blonde at the end of the bar pipes up "What a coincidence, that's what I'm drinking".
Farmer tells her "I'm celebrating".
Blonde replied "What coincidence, so am I. What are you celebrating?"
He says "I'm a chicken farmer, haven't been able to get my hens pregnant for over a year. Finally I've succeeded!"
Blonde says "What a coincidence, I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year and finally got the good news myself today - what method did you use?"
Farmer tells her "I tried a different cock".
"What a coincidence!" replies the blonde.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby nuggety goodness » Thu May 29, 2014 6:02 pm

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." 

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby valleys07 » Mon Jun 09, 2014 12:33 am

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby valleys07 » Mon Jun 09, 2014 12:47 am

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his verandah patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day mate, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'Dont listen to a word he says. The sheep's a ********* liar……
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby valleys07 » Mon Jun 09, 2014 12:54 am

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat
and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked
around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with
Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Jun 14, 2014 10:36 am

Tonsils Out vs. Circumcision ....!

Two little boys are going to the hospital
the next day for separate operations.
Theirs will be first on the daily schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"
The second boy says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first boy says,
"You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks,
"What are you going in for?"
The first boy says, "C!rcumcision."
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Jun 25, 2014 4:11 pm

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby OnSong » Wed Jun 25, 2014 4:41 pm

A man is fed up with his wife and decides to kill her off and claim life insurance on her death.
He hires a hitman, Ardi, but only has $1 to pay Ardi until the insurance claim settles.
Ardi agrees to the deal and follows the man's wife to Woolies. While she is doing her shopping, Ardi chokes the woman to death.
He thinks he's gotten away with it but turns around to notice the security guard in the store has seen the whole thing.
Ardi then chokes the security guard to death but police arrive and arrest him.
The headline in the paper the next day read: "Ardi chokes two for a dollar at Woolworths"
Right in front of me. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Fri Jun 27, 2014 12:59 pm

Wrestling match
Pottsy v Killer Karl

The trainer is in Pottsys ear
" Dont let him getcha in the Coconut Hold , once heez gotcha your goneski, no one ever gets outer the Hold"

Early in the bout Killer Karl gets Pottsy in the Cocunut Hold
Pottsy grimmaces in pain
The Inevitability of it all
The pain the pain of it all
The trainer slouches and turns away from the action

Then there's an all mighty roar
Pottsy has broken the Coconut Hold
The first wrestler to have ever done that
Pottsy later , claims a victory

The trainer hugs his boy and asks how he broke the Coconut Hold

" Killer got me in the Hold , I was in agony , though I was gunna kark it
I opens my eyes and see two testicles hanging right in front of me eyes
With all me might, with the last effort I had left , I bit the testicles as hard as I could
Its amazing what a man is capable of when he bites his own testicles."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby HH3 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 4:26 pm

Police officer pulls over a woman

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
I TOLD YOU SO

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Jul 05, 2014 7:54 pm

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby valleys07 » Thu Jul 10, 2014 12:47 pm

An 89 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinatti, he asked her “what did you steal?” She replied “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge announced “I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the Judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something on his wife’s behalf. The judge asked “what is it?”

The husband replied “she also stole a can of peas.”
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Thu Jul 10, 2014 1:58 pm

valleys07 wrote:An 89 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinatti, he asked her “what did you steal?” She replied “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge announced “I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the Judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something on his wife’s behalf. The judge asked “what is it?”

The husband replied “she also stole a can of peas.”

Oldy but a goody.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Jul 18, 2014 6:26 am

The Man Rules



At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side These are our rules!


Please note.. these are ‘all numbered ‘1’ ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we...

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY.

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor cycles.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight..But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh...

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh, because its true!
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Mon Jul 28, 2014 1:02 am

Two old gals were reminiscing about the good ol days
" Dorrie can you remember dancing the Can Can ?"
" Vaguely Flo."
Do you remember the Charleston "
" Sort of."
" Can you remember the Minuet?"
" Give us a break , I cant even remember the men I screwed."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Aug 05, 2014 4:14 pm

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.


One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"


Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.


The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".


A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.


But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".


Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".




The little bloke climbs on to the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............ "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue Aug 05, 2014 4:51 pm

Two drunks walk out of the pub.
An Alsatian is across street licking his balls.
"I wish I could do that" the first bloke says.
"I'd pat him first" his mate replies.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Aug 16, 2014 1:02 pm

9 months later!!!
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,

'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
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