BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Lightning McQueen » Wed May 13, 2015 2:40 pm

heater31 wrote:
Lightning McQueen wrote:What's better than eating a mandarin?





Eating Amanda out.


Except if you are me or @Wedgie we will take the mandarin thanks ;)

Or it depends on who Amanda is.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun May 17, 2015 8:46 am

IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON


While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh#t-faced I could hardly push his pram back Home.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon May 25, 2015 9:23 am

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue May 26, 2015 4:25 pm

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri May 29, 2015 12:00 pm

5000 MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX.



1% LIKED THE WARMTH,

2% LIKED THE SENSATION,

3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,

94% JUST LIKED THE PEACE & QUIET.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:52 am

Old Bob the drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jun 02, 2015 11:00 am

A car full of Irish Nuns is sitting at a traffic light when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, yer bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.



Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross."

Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts,

"Piss off yer drunken misbegotten bastard sons of tinted dried up grandmotherly whores before I come over there, tear youse each a new arsehole and then bite yer poxy balls off!"



Sister Immaculate looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks,
"Was that cross enough?”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jun 09, 2015 9:23 am

Subject: FW: 6 smart-arsed answers



SMART ARSE ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.


SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead"
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam..
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."



SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby....
Who shall I say is calling?"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Lightning McQueen » Tue Jun 09, 2015 1:07 pm

A bloke walks into a pub in Alice Springs and goes up to the bar and says to the pretty barmaid "I'll have a schooner thanks"
She pours the schooner and places in front of him and then he leans over and asks "hey, you wouldn't want a bit on the side would ya love?"
"No, I don't do that kind of stuff" she replied.
"I'll give you $250?" he says with a big smile as she looks around the room and replies "oh, ok then".
They go out the back and he gives it to her and then wanders off into his car and takes off.
The next night the bloke walks into the bar again and asks for another schooner, as she pours it and places it in front of him he leans over and asks "hey, would you be keen on another bit on the side?"
"hey, last night was good but I better not" she replies.
"I'll give you another $250"
"Alright then, I'll meet you out back"
They meet up again and have another little sesh then he takes off into the darkness again.
The 3rd night he walks into the bar and there's the barmaid all prettied up and waiting anxiously to serve him.
"Would you like a schooner there sir?" she asks
"Yes, that would be great" he replies.
She pours the schooner and leans across the bar and says "Would you like another bit on the side?"
"Na, I better not thanks love, I've gotta get home" He replies.
"Home, where do you live" she asks.
"Darwin" he replies.
"Darwin? I've got a brother that lives in Darwin" she blurts out with a big smile.
"Yeah I know, he sent me down to give you $500"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Booney » Wed Jun 10, 2015 10:01 am

Lightning McQueen wrote:What's better than eating a mandarin?





Eating Amanda out.



Image
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby HH3 » Wed Jun 10, 2015 10:02 am

Booney wrote:
Lightning McQueen wrote:What's better than eating a mandarin?





Eating Amanda out.



Image


Delicious!
I TOLD YOU SO

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Lightning McQueen » Thu Jun 11, 2015 2:59 pm

Booney wrote:
Lightning McQueen wrote:What's better than eating a mandarin?





Eating Amanda out.



Image


Dinner for 4.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby valleys07 » Fri Jun 12, 2015 1:06 pm

Beating A Dead Horse

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, government bureaucracies often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
6. Appointing a committee to study the dead horse.
7. Waiting for the horse's condition to improve from this temporary downturn.
8. Providing additional training to increase riding ability.
9. Passing legislation declaring "This horse is not dead."
10. Blaming the horse's parents.
11. Acquiring additional dead horses for increased speed.
12. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
13. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
14. Commissioning a study to see if private contractors can ride it cheaper.
15. Removing all obstacles in the dead horse's path.
16. Taking bids for a state-of-the art dead horse.
17. Declaring the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Revising the performance requirements for horses.
19. Saying the horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
20. Raising taxes (any excuse will do).
And if all else fails:
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Jun 13, 2015 10:01 am

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire
you.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil
of the eye.' Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and
continued 'As for you, young lady, I have three things
To say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.





And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Jun 13, 2015 10:05 am

Grandma's Boyfriend.....





A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jun 16, 2015 3:46 pm

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane
to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot
said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us
take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power,
The little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the
crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue Jun 16, 2015 3:57 pm

:lol:
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Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Jun 22, 2015 5:58 pm

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,. 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Tue Jun 30, 2015 7:10 pm

Whats the capital of Greece ?
About 10 Euros
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:41 pm

A RIDE IN THE TAXI

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with a lot of men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
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