BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[locky801]

A market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book!”

A prospective husband in a book store; “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?”
Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the second floor!”

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Love. What’s the secret?
Old man: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.

A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says: Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – “For a whole week now, you have been saying ‘Today is a fine day’. I am getting tired of this, what’s the matter?
Husband: “Last week when we had an argument, you said, ‘I will leave you one fine day.’ I was just trying to remind you……"

[locky801]

An elderly man owned a large farm which had a large pond down the back with a picnic table, horseshoe court, and some apple and peach trees.

One afternoon the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and collect some fruit so he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to carry the fruit in.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing and as he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the crocodile”

Some old men can still think fast.

[locky801]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

[locky801]

Daughter's Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[mal]

My wife cant wrestle, but you oughta see her box

Happy Boxing Day

[locky801]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

[locky801]

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

[locky801]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[locky801]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.





At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"





"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.





"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."


He never heard the gunshot.

[locky801]

On our wedding night my wife & I seductively undressed.
After removing my socks she looked at my gnarled toes. I explained "When I was a child I had Tolio."
"Don't you mean Polio?" she asked. I replied ""It's like Polio, but only affects the toes."
I then removed my trousers & she stared at my knobbly knees. "When I was a teen I had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean Measles?" she replied.
"No" I replied, "It only affected my knees."
The big moment came & I took off my boxer shorts.
She had a good look and after a few moments of silence she said "Don't tell me... Smallcox?"

[locky801]

Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last few years,

. . . . . I've been a hooker."

"Aha" Ed said, "I'll bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight as you hit the ball."

[OnSong]

What does fairy floss and Carey Hart have in common?

They both come in pink.

[locky801]

Young people have theirs,
now Seniors have their own texting codes:
* ATD- At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM- Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center
* DWI- Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL- Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT- Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[locky801]

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[locky801]

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Spargo]

Two doctors were discussing their patients.
Dr # 1 announces "I have a gentleman with Gonorrhoea, Syphilis & the worst case of Genital Herpes I've ever seen"
The second Dr asks "What are you treating him with?"
He replied "Rice paper & Crown mints"
"Why rice paper & Crown mints", Dr # 2 asks in amazement,
"Because that's all I can slide under his door"...

[locky801]

Young Johnny was sitting on a park bench eating chocolate bars. A man who was sitting opposite him watched him finish six of them off.
The man pointed out to Johnny, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you!"
Johnny then replied, "My Grandad lived to be one hundred and five."
"Did he eat lots of chocolate bars at once?" asked the man.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own damn business!"

[Spargo]

A new drug has become available for depressed lesbians - tricoxagain.

[locky801]

Police stop a Pakistani in his Transit on the M4 motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70..?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that you lot.? 3 of you, will have to get out..!