BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Aug 26, 2016 12:34 pm

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"




The assistant replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Sep 27, 2016 7:52 am

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, & I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty & justice for all. Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae &, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass!"

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Oct 07, 2016 9:52 am

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Oct 12, 2016 6:52 pm

I was served by a gorgeous young lady at the supermarket checkout this afternoon.
As I was about to pay she gave me a sexy smile & said "Strip down, facing me." Excited, I did as she demanded.
As I removed my clothes the screaming & laughter got louder.
When I took my undies off security grabbed me, covered my privates & marched me off.
Apparently "Strip down, facing me" meant how I was supposed to swipe my Visa card.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Nov 02, 2016 3:45 pm

Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.

"Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."

When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.

Mick says,"What the happened to you?"

Paddy replies, "I went home for my pyjamas."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Nov 03, 2016 1:47 pm

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...
in and out...in and out ...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed ...
then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK!
I CAN'T park the bloody car!
You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Nov 05, 2016 7:44 am

A nun gets into a cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Nov 07, 2016 9:20 am

A very successful Attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911
Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barrelling down the
road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a Cop was close enough to see the accident and
pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the Cop had a chance to ask any questions, the
Attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche,
which
he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no
matter how any Car Body Shop tried to make it new again, would never be
the same. Being an Attorney, he was going to sue the Truck Driver, his
Employer and even his drivers education Teacher!
After the Attorney finally wound down from his rant, the Cop
shook his head in disbelief;
" I can't believe how materialistic you Lawyers are!" he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you
neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Attorney.
The cop replied,
"Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed
when the truck hit you!"
"Oh sh**!" screamed the lawyer. . .
"My Rolex!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Nov 08, 2016 8:40 am

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Nov 11, 2016 8:11 am

BEER - BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS


A handful of 7 year old children in Australia were asked what they thought of beer.
There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think it is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lily, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

--Jack, 7 years
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Nov 25, 2016 4:40 pm

Karen and I were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner & movie evening last night so we turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden. We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house and as we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted
back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie. Karen walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, Karen didn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye
to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "The stupid mongrel was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her bum with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden!...............She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Booney » Tue Dec 06, 2016 1:17 pm

After a heated argument a wife says to her husband "You're ******* stupid" and he snaps back "And you're ******* proof".
PAFC. Forever.

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:57 am

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Dec 16, 2016 2:39 pm

ANTA IS NOT HAPPY
'Twas the night before Christmas, old Santa was pissed.
He cursed out the elves, and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my arse for damned near a year,
Instead of 'Thanks, Santa', what do I hear?
The old lady bitches, ‘cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those mongrels from taxation sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes, if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids these days, they all are the pits.
They want the impossible, mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's, no request for them.
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air, dodging the trees;
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my arse and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year,
now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Dec 19, 2016 10:48 am

A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, “I’m sorry… But your pig is dead.”
The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, “Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something.”
The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.
The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.
The vet tells the woman, “See, your pig has definitely passed on.”
The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.
The woman is again outraged, “$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?”
The vet replies, “It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan.”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Dec 19, 2016 4:25 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jan 03, 2017 6:17 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Mon Jan 09, 2017 8:45 pm

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships...
Apparently "In HD" is not the right answer.
2017 safooty NFL tipping champ

Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jan 10, 2017 8:27 am

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas

morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly

to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a

priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are

on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a

fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her

eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home

planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in

brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,

reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them

like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such

expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said,

'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or

intercourse?" She said, "Don't forget your hat."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Jan 12, 2017 2:42 pm

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman,
'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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