BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

I was sitting at the computer the other day, drafting my will, and I called out to my wife,

"WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, MY LOVE!"

She shouted back,

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!”

[locky801]

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me." In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?”
"You're the eighth" says the old man

[Spargo]

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me." In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?”
"You're the eighth" says the old man

Oldie but a goody.

[locky801]

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"

[locky801]

Mate of mine retired and went to apply for the pension at Centerlink The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's Licence to verify his age.

Realizing he had left his wallet at home he told the woman he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So he opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed the application.

When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at Centrelink and she said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten the disability pension too.'

[locky801]

Three guys go to a ski lodge.

There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night. In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night, I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left says, "That's incredible. I had the exact same dream!"


The guy in the middle says, "Boy, I'm really excited to hit the slopes. Last night, I had the most realistic dream that I was skiing!"

[locky801]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and He shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it. .


It's coming. .



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?




She says :





'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

[locky801]

Blow it, let's offend everyone!





I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”


I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl took a while to serve me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?”
I said “No, you're still black”.


Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus," the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment..”


Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed,
that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus,
and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"



Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."


I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question, - which I got wrong.
The question was:

"Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer is Fiji .


A woman has a medical at the doctors...
“You are grossly overweight,” he says.
"I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
"OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”


That should more or less offend everyone

[locky801]

The following is offered to clear up any misunderstanding. What could be more clear? Cheers


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion. However, medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

[locky801]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven




1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

[locky801]

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. The store wasn't ready with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by & put his face to the window & ask what we're selling.'
No sooner said when a curious senior walked to the window, had a look & in a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the senior replied, "You're doing well.
Only two left."
Pensioners - Don't mess with them.

[locky801]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[locky801]

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[OnSong]

Heard a story the other day about a couple of local farmers. Let’s call them Kevin and Mick.
Anyway, apparently Kevin decided it was time to drop in on his neighbour to see how he was fairing after such a long, drawn out harvest.
He pulls the ute up outside the workshop and shuts it down, only to have his ears assaulted by some very loud Tom Jones music.
The track, I believe, was ‘Sex bomb’.
Kevin cautiously pokes his head round the door and spots Mick, stark naked, dancing in front of his new tractor.
Kevin strolls over to the radio and shuts it off and says, “Oi Mick! What the heck are you up to?”
Mick looks shamefacedly at Kevin and says, “Oh Kevin, ever since harvest has been done, me and the Mrs have been havin’ a bit o’ strife in the bedroom.”
“Last week she sent me off to the doc. We had a real good chat, and then he told me to go on home and try doing something sexy to a tractor!”

[heater31]

Heard a story the other day about a couple of local farmers. Let’s call them Kevin and Mick.
Anyway, apparently Kevin decided it was time to drop in on his neighbour to see how he was fairing after such a long, drawn out harvest.
He pulls the ute up outside the workshop and shuts it down, only to have his ears assaulted by some very loud Tom Jones music.
The track, I believe, was ‘Sex bomb’.
Kevin cautiously pokes his head round the door and spots Mick, stark naked, dancing in front of his new tractor.
Kevin strolls over to the radio and shuts it off and says, “Oi Mick! What the heck are you up to?”
Mick looks shamefacedly at Kevin and says, “Oh Kevin, ever since harvest has been done, me and the Mrs have been havin’ a bit o’ strife in the bedroom.”
“Last week she sent me off to the doc. We had a real good chat, and then he told me to go on home and try doing something sexy to a tractor!”

Sounds like a true story from Darke Peak

[Spargo]

Peter "What is it Doc?"
Doctor "Peter, you have to stop masturbating"
Peter "Oh God... Why?"
Doctor "Because I'm talking to you..."

[locky801]

The owner of a golf course on the Australia’s Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated at the University of Queensland and I need some help.


If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[locky801]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[locky801]

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.


Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

[locky801]

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"