BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

A hunter shot and killed a deer as he was dragging the body to his truck, a farmer approached him and declared “That’s my deer! It was shot on my property!”
Upset, the hunter argued, “Well I tracked and hunted it, so it is rightfully mine!”
The farmer, wanting to compromise, stated “Well I know an old tradition that assists two parties into making an agreement. The way it works is we take turns kicking one another in the groin, and whoever lasts the longest will get to keep the deer.”
Unsure, the hunter stood and thought about it for a moment before agreeing.
“Alright,” said the farmer “I’ll go first.”
As the hunter tightened his stance in preparation, the farmer reared his leg back and delivered a powerful blow directly in the hunter’s loins. The hunter fell to a knee, huffing and puffing. A few moments later, he collected himself and caught his breath.
“I’m still in. I’ll keep going” he said.
“Nah,” the farmer said as he walked away; “you can keep it.”

[locky801]

Teacher; "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'pistol' in it?"

Sophie;... "My daddy is a soldier, he has a suit of blue, he has a sword, a bayonet and he has a pistol too."

Teacher; "Very good Sophie."

Johnny;...... "Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of blue, he draws his dole at half past nine, then he's on the piss'till two."

[nuggety goodness]

Q: Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?
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A: Because they're very good at it

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[locky801]

Q: Why don't rabbits make any noise while they're making love?

A: They have cotton balls! Smile

Happy Easter everyone!

[JK]

Son: "Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"

Dad: "Because your Mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter"

Son: "Thanks Dad"

Dad: "No worries Alan"

[Spargo]

Son: "Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"

Dad: "Because your Mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter"

Son: "Thanks Dad"

Dad: "No worries Alan"

[locky801]

Wife; "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."
Husband; "next time take the car, silly.":)

[locky801]

Just deleted all the German names off my mobile phone.

Now I'm Hans free.

[locky801]

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write
'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin..
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti... Spaghetti... Spaghetti... Spaghetti... Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

[locky801]

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[locky801]

How cold was it this morning? I had to use my K-Mart discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen! Didn't work though, only got 10% off..

[locky801]

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross eyed is there anything you can do for him?"

So the vet picks up the dog and says "Lets have a look at him." He examines the dog and says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why because he's cross eyed?"


No says the vet "Because he's really heavy."

[locky801]

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the
waiter, "I'm sorry, but I'm blind and I Can't read
the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell
it, and order from there."

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it
to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to
his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's
what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells
his wife, Joan, who's the cook.

The next day the blind guy walks in and the
waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork." He gets a
dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy
smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take
the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with
him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in,
he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife,
"Joan, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it,
and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a
deep whiff, and says, "Are you kidding me? I didn't
know Joan worked here."

[locky801]

A woman was in labour.
Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside
The midwife called the nurse
The nurse came in and once again, the baby stuck it's head out and asked .
Are YOU my daddy?"
"NO. I am not!"
Once again back in he went
At this point hearing all this commotion, the father came in.
Once again the little head appeared.
"Are YOU my daddy?"
"Yes I am"
The baby pushed a little until it was half out, beckoned the father to come up close
When the father was really up close, the baby reached out and stuck his finger in his fathers eye, and shouted
"****' hurts doesn't it?!"

[locky801]

A woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Tully in FNQ, in my Vagina.
"The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said:"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

[The Dark Knight]

A woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Tully in FNQ, in my Vagina.
"The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said:"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

Probably the best one you've posted in awhile Locky!

[locky801]

She pushes her BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[cracka]

Just heard this on Triple M

Kate Middleton asks the Queen for advice on how to have a long & successful marriage.

The Queen replies "make sure you wear your seatbelt & dont piss me off"

[locky801]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead
of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what
hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."He
thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm
sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what
hole
I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and
asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As
they
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in
sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He
promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm
still one hole behind you."

[locky801]

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