BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[RJM]

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina has seen better days after three kids. A bit like a B52 with the bomb doors hanging open. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from Eric upstairs in the Burns Unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

[locky801]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland .
> One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of
> his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
> The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and
> sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no
> place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
> 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
> When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
> forth. The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and
> grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance
> and tumbled to the floor.
> After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs.
> Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
> The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that
> carrying on in this pub.'
> The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand,
> I'm Pastor Flapps.'
> The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as
> well finish.'=

[locky801]

Finding a woman sobbing that she'd locked her keys in her car, a passing Australian soldier assures her he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Like magic, it opens!

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy" replied the soldier.

"These are me khakis!"

[locky801]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell
down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After
Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad
ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church
every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during
Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I
was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten
Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's
hat after all !

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and
said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided
you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked
about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where
I left me hat."

[locky801]

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, you can lay me at lunchtime."
......

I had to let Jack go.

[locky801]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here".

[JK]

[Booney]

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"

God replied:
"Shit! I didn't recognize you!!!!!"

[locky801]

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, & I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty & justice for all. Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae &, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass!"

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[locky801]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

[locky801]

When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I discovered how great it is to be 70

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"


I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you're seventy...............who cares?


**********
I went to the drug store and told told clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."


Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."

When you're seventy...............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."


I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... when you're seventy...............who cares?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you're seventy...............who cares?

***********
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... when you're seventy...............who cares? ??

[locky801]

The Goodnight Kiss*

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?”
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!”

“No way, it’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please.... love you so much!”
“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“No, no. I just can’t!”
“I’m begging you.”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it . . . but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

[locky801]

A bloke brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a $#@%^& mess and the dishes are still in the sink.
I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my &^%$# pyjamas?
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the $#@! did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid $#@!%^?
"He answers: "Because ... he’s thinking of getting married!

[locky801]

Jenny came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

the next day the girl came skipping home from school

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24!"

[locky801]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift..

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

[locky801]

lost the local pub's trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

[locky801]

Two old guys from a senior centre were sipping lemonade on the verandah.
One asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

[locky801]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad', the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.

[locky801]

A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

" £85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

" £85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[Spargo]

Overheard a couple of blokes in the pub saying neither would fly in an aircraft if they knew the pilot was female.
What a pair of sexists, I thought.
I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing...