BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 20, 2021 5:04 pm

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You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Feb 25, 2021 12:46 pm

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Happy hour is upon us
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 27, 2021 1:37 pm

Ever since he was a child, he’s always had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
“How much do you charge?”
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", he said.
Six months later the doctor met him on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”
FORGET THE SHRINKS, HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER!
ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Mar 03, 2021 2:17 pm

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Brodlach » Wed Mar 03, 2021 3:40 pm

locky801 wrote:An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."


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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Mar 09, 2021 4:13 pm

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Broken Hill
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from Broken Hill commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from Broken Hill commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Broken Hill lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Broken Hill lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "What on earth could they teach you??"
The Broken Hill lady responded, “Well as an example... Instead of saying, "Who gives a F**k ?"....
I learned to say,
"Well, isn't that fantastic?”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue Mar 16, 2021 11:11 am

A woman arrived at a party & while surveying the guests, notices an attractive man standing by himself.
She approached him, smiled & said “Hello, my name is Carmen.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things in life that I enjoy most - cars & men. Therefore I chose “Carmen.”
She asks “what’s your name?”
He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Mar 18, 2021 4:27 pm

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp. "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks. "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice. "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Apr 09, 2021 3:12 pm

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Dublin copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Dublin cops expense!!
Dublin cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Dublin cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Dublin cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.
License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Dublin cop says, "The difference is, ye didnae come to a complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Dublin cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Dublin cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Apr 30, 2021 10:25 am

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right!
O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed May 12, 2021 4:53 pm

JOKE FOR THE DAY:
AN AMERICAN BUSINESSMAN GOES TO JAPAN ON A BUSINESS TRIP, BUT HE HATES JAPANESE FOOD, SO HE ASKS THE CONCIERGE AT HIS HOTEL IF THERE’S ANY PLACE AROUND WHERE HE CAN GET AMERICAN FOOD.
THE CONCIERGE TELLS HIM HE’S IN LUCK, THERE’S A PIZZA PLACE THAT JUST OPENED, AND THEY DELIVER.
THE CONCIERGE GIVES THE BUSINESSMAN THE PHONE NUMBER, AND HE GOES BACK TO HIS ROOM AND ORDERS A PIZZA.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER, THE DELIVERY GUY SHOWS UP TO THE DOOR WITH THE PIZZA.
THE BUSINESSMAN TAKES THE PIZZA, AND STARTS SNEEZING UNCONTROLLABLY.
HE ASKS THE DELIVERY MAN, “WHAT THE HECK DID YOU PUT ON THIS PIZZA?”
THE DELIVERY MAN BOWS DEEPLY AND SAYS, “WE PUT ON THE PIZZA WHAT YOU ORDERED, PEPPER ONLY.”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun May 30, 2021 5:13 pm

Man in supermarket chastised a woman for walking the opposite direction to which the arrow are pointing.."can't you see the bloody arrows?" She answered quick as a flash "I can't even see the f..ing indians"!!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Booney » Tue Jun 01, 2021 1:02 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue Jun 01, 2021 1:22 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Jun 10, 2021 4:16 pm

An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa what is couple sex?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Jun 14, 2021 4:50 pm

Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies, "You're scared; I gotta walk back alone"!!!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jun 15, 2021 6:09 pm

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
"GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER,
KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,
THEN SHE FARTED, FLEW OUT THE WINDOW AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER !!!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Jun 18, 2021 5:23 pm

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jun 29, 2021 11:17 am

While walking through the Park, a man came upon another Man Hugging a Tree with his Ear firmly against the Tree:
Seeing this he inquired. "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the Music of the Tree." The other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says. "Well, okay."
So he wrapped his Arms around the Tree and pressed his Ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of Handcuffs on him, took his Wallet, Jewelry, Car Keys, then Stripped him Naked and left.
Two hours later another Nature Lover strolled by, saw this guy Handcuffed to the Tree Stark Naked, and asked. "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible Story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, Kissed him gently behind the Ear and said.......
"Just ain't your day, is it Cupcake!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jul 06, 2021 6:53 pm

Cunning wife and a usual husband
Wife: listen, shall we go to the circus ?
,
Husband : No......... I m busy..
Wife : it seems there's a girl riding on a lion without clothes ...!!!!!
Husband : you have become very stubborn .... in everything you want to be stubborn .....
okay ..let's go ..anyway i've not seen a lion for a long time ....!!!!
The rest of the story ...
Husband & wife went to the circus. Husband even bought front row seats ...
Lion show started ....and also got over ...but no girl without clothes. Soon, the entire Circus show was over...
Husband : you told me there is a show where a girl comes without clothes?
Wife : i said a lion without clothes, not girl ........
I swear you will read it again..
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