BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Jul 08, 2021 4:35 pm

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license.
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Jul 23, 2021 3:31 pm

SOME UNDENIABLE FACTS: (For consideration)
A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without any clothes.
Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless.
Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coopers, Heineken, Tooheys & Foster's. Most men may state their preferences, but will invariably grab whatever is available.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Aug 04, 2021 5:14 pm

Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Aug 06, 2021 4:48 pm

Medical news
Bet you didn't know this:
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Aug 17, 2021 5:39 pm

Men's Helpline...
“Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”
“Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or would I need to replace the whole bracket?
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Aug 17, 2021 6:02 pm

youngman and an old lady go to a bakery. The youngman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the old lady: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the old lady replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The old lady then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
She asked him for a bun and then she proceeded to eat it. She asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my good lady, where’s the magic trick?”
The old lady then said: “Look in the young man’s pockets.”
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Aug 18, 2021 4:28 pm

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Aug 18, 2021 7:49 pm

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly beautiful waitress came to his table. "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then looks at her, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man looks at her and answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers... "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Sep 09, 2021 7:55 pm

THE OLD PASTOR
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for his lawyer and Accountant to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the accountant and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”
The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.”
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Sep 19, 2021 3:20 pm

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where’s mom and dad?" : She replied, "They're up in bed," so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma the same question. She replied with the same answer and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?"Once again his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed," and the little boy started to laugh again. The grandmother asked, "What's wrong? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Sep 25, 2021 4:58 pm

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. ... But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Armchair expert » Wed Sep 29, 2021 8:18 pm

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Essendon with only 10 minutes left The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'
Dave Warner will be missed!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Oct 09, 2021 2:46 pm

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
... The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Oct 09, 2021 5:36 pm

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Oct 14, 2021 4:00 pm

Phone rings: Husband picks it up, listens, then yells, “How the hell should I know? I'm not the bloody weatherman!” and slams down the phone.
Wife asks, “Who was that?”
Husband replies, “Dunno. Some drongo asking if the coast is clear.”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby DOC » Fri Oct 29, 2021 8:55 pm

The Beach Boys walk into a pub.
"Round?"
"Round."
"Get a round."
"I'll get a round."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Booney » Fri Dec 17, 2021 12:44 pm

Three garbage men were doing their Christmas rounds and collecting their well earned Xmas tips and gifts
from the grateful householders when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac.
The first garbage collector went up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in very revealing attire,
who said, “Oh yes, I know what you want!” as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him.
A short while later he returned bedraggled to the garbage truck and told his colleague what had happened.
His mate like the idea of some of that so he went to the house where once again the lady appeared, this time in even more revealing attire.
“Oh yes, I know what you want!” she said as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well.
Afterwards, he also returned bedraggled to the lorry and told the driver what had happened.
“Hmmm, I’ll have a bit of that!” thought the driver and walked up to the house.
The lady opened the door and gave him $5.
“Hey!” said the driver, “What about the fun and games you gave my colleagues?”
“Oh that,” said the woman “You can blame my husband for that.”
“What’s he got to do with it?” asked the driver.
The lady answered, “Well, he said here come the garbage collectors you can give $5 to the driver for Christmas but **** the other two.
PAFC. Forever.

LOOK OUT, WE'RE COMING!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Jan 26, 2022 6:11 pm

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Sat Jan 29, 2022 4:18 pm

My girlfriend last night said I was out of shape
I said , that's incorrect , I'm round and round is a shape
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Sat Jan 29, 2022 4:25 pm

locky801 wrote:A bloke goes to a sex shop and buys himself a blow-up sex doll. The next day he comes back to the shop totally pissed off.
He walks up to the guy behind the counter and says,
"I come in here yesterday and bought this bloody blow-up doll for fifty dollars. Last night I blew it up but when I went to use it, it went down on me!"
The bloke behind the counter replies,
"Bloody hell, mate. If I'd know that, I would have charged you a HUNDRED dollars!"


=))
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