BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jul 19, 2022 7:17 pm

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You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Aug 04, 2022 10:52 am

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Fri Aug 19, 2022 1:37 pm

Another Grub picks up a hooker
He gives her $200 up front and explains to her he just wants female companionship , just hang out and to talk with
This buys him a hour
He explains things like small dick syndrome , shy with women, is timid , lacks confidence in life
After 30 minutes , he plucks up the courage and then asks the hooker " Would you like to see where I got circumcised?'
She replied 'Sure"
Another Grub drove her to the old Royal Adelaide Hospital....
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby DOC » Fri Aug 19, 2022 2:16 pm

He's either a mate or he shirked his round.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby nwdfanparade » Wed Sep 14, 2022 3:44 pm

heart.jpg
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On tonight's episode of "Farmer wants a wife"

Farmer Ken shows his prospective wife how to shove your arm up a cow's bum.

Farmer Steve shows his prospective wife how to cut the balls off a sheep.

Farmer Luke shows his prospective wife how to shoot all the cattle when they contract foot and mouth disease.

and Farmer Simon shows his prospective wife how to sell the farm when the rural economy goes down the gurgler after 3 years of drought.

That's reality T.V.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby FlyingHigh » Thu Sep 15, 2022 3:42 pm

nwdfanparade wrote:
heart.jpg


On tonight's episode of "Farmer wants a wife"


Farmer Steve shows his prospective wife how to cut the balls off a sheep.


That's reality T.V.


Or if that makes her squeamish, she could just use her teeth,
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Sep 18, 2022 11:44 am

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Dublin baby boy"
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...
"Had him circumcised”…..
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Oct 30, 2022 1:00 pm

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party but Mrs. got a terrible headache beforehand and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued, said as she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife slept soundly for about an hour and awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go the party and since her hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching how he acted when she was not with him.
Soon after arrival she spotted her other half cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a sexy babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went into the garden and had a quickie.
She then slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, steaming, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Uh huh, time to get to the point.
"Did you dance much ?"
"I'll tell you, I never even danced at all. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill, John and some other guys, so we went into George's den and played poker all evening. But you're never going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Nov 07, 2022 1:42 pm

A father passing by his son's bedroom
Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it.
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home
You cant change your past but you can sure hell shape you future
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Thu Nov 17, 2022 12:22 pm

Locky and Wedgie at the football watching their beloved North Adelaide
The iconic Darren Jarman jumps on his opponents back and takes a screamer
Locky says to Wedgie
" Hey wedgie watching that mark reminds me of how I used to play football"
A man turns around looks at Locky and replies " Bullshit"
Locky replies
" Its true and Ive still got the sprigg marks on my back to prove it."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby The Dark Knight » Fri Nov 18, 2022 12:16 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby DOC » Tue Jan 03, 2023 9:14 am

A Kiwi youngster came home from Sunday school and said to his older brother what's a Hindu?

After some thought he said lay eggs.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jan 10, 2023 4:54 pm

A blonde cheerleader was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde
cheerleader, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the cheerleader went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, one of the other blonde cheerleaders, came home and said,
What are you doing?
The first blonde cheerleader told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said,
Uhh Hello! You need to roll up the windows first.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 04, 2023 5:39 pm

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Sat Feb 04, 2023 5:50 pm

locky801 wrote:A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Feb 05, 2023 4:59 pm

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them. . . They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' Nodding and addressing each of them individually, Then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and Bought even more outrageous outfits..
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby DOC » Sun Feb 05, 2023 7:23 pm

Good one Locky.

Reminds me of an old Dave Allen gag.

IN the convent, mother superior went to her room to take a bath. Her room being the most prestigious was surrounded by the other communal rooms that took advantage of the view, but made life difficult for the others.

Whilst in the bath, there was a knock at the door and she said I'm in the bath please wait. The novice nun replied, Mother I have a blind man with me who needs to get through to the communal sitting room.

Thinking that as he was blind there would be no harm so she replied, "send him through please sister.

The door opened and the man looked at Mother Superior in the bath and said, "nice tits". Where do you want these blinds then?
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Feb 07, 2023 5:22 pm

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extraeighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is.....
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Feb 26, 2023 4:32 pm

Breakfast’s
Paddy’s teacher is giving a lesson
on nutrition,and she decides to ask
her pupils,what they had for breakfast.
She wanted to add a spelling component to the subject,so she asked her pupils, to also spell out their answer’s.
Little Mary put her hand up,and says she had an egg, E-G-G.
Very good Mary,says the teacher,
Seamus says “I had toast”T-O-A-S-T, “excellent Seamus”the teacher
said.
Paddy has his hand up,his teacher
reluctantly call’s on him. “I had feck
all”he says,F-E-C-K A-L-L.
His teacher is mortified,and scolds
Paddy for his rude answer.
Later,when the lesson’s turn to
geography, she asks her pupils some rudimentary question’s.
Mary correctly identifies the capital
of England,Seamus is able to tell her which ocean is off England’s
west coast.
When it comes to Paddy’s turn,his
teacher remember’s his rude answer from the nutrition lesson.
So she decides to ask him a very
difficult question.
“Paddy” she asks “where is the Mexican border?”
Paddy ponders the question for a
while, then finally says”the Mexican
borders in bed, with me Mam,that’s
why I got Feck All..... for breakfast.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Feb 28, 2023 12:21 am

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.
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