BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

Not meaning to boast, but I just got the the highest score on the bathroom scales

[locky801]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice,
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice,
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

[locky801]

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

[locky801]

in trouble again , saw a female wearing a Tshirt with "GUESS" on the front, I cheekily suggested "implants?" - and she slapped me

[locky801]

The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions

[locky801]

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a Huntsman spider. Just so I can finally hear a woman say

" Oh my God, it's huge"

[locky801]

Two Aussie fellas in a locker room were taking a shower after their game of footy, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum!
If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'
'I can't, lamented the first fella. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.' 'I don't understand,' said the other, 'how on earth?' The first fella says, 'I was walking along Hindley Street, and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and an Akubra hat appeared. He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie, I can grant you one wish.' I said, 'No shit?'

[locky801]

The judge says, “Please tell me why you’re seeking a divorce.”
John says, “Because I live in a two-story house.”
The judge says, “What kind of a reason is that? What’s the matter with a two-story house?”
John says, “I’ll tell you what the matter is. One story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.’”

[locky801]

Golf Story
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint.
He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family
and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
"Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.
"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

[OnSong]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What the f..k would they want with a plasterer???"

[locky801]

Not a joke but very laughable

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[locky801]

Ted goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

[mal]

The judge says, “Please tell me why you’re seeking a divorce.”
John says, “Because I live in a two-story house.”
The judge says, “What kind of a reason is that? What’s the matter with a two-story house?”
John says, “I’ll tell you what the matter is. One story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.’”

Keep up the great work Laughy801

[locky801]

A dentist named Jack and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, Jack takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
Jack, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
Jack, now smiling with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"

[OnSong]

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man?"

"I go to work and all day long I work.

"Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if my boss knows.

"He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm.

"A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us.

"And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror.

"If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…doc.

"Sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."

And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come to a podiatrist?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the f***in light was on.”

[locky801]

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath. The woman of the house said they didn't have a bathtub but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said.. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

[locky801]

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[locky801]

He laid her on the table so white clean and bare.....
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he touched her here and there.....
He felt her neck, he squeezed her breast, and gently felt her thigh.....
The scene was set, the slit was wet, he gave a joyous cry.....
The hole was wide, he looked inside, all was dark and murky.....
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... and then he stuffed the turkey!
Wishing you all and you're dirty little minds a very Merry Christmas!

[locky801]

It was Christmas day and everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Billy received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Billy, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Billy explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

[locky801]

It's all about " grammar and punctuation " .....
Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet.
Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13.
Ann and Jan went on a double date.
Amazed, one of the boys said, - "God, you two have big feet."
Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's,...