BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

The wife came out of the bathroom and said - I have just shaved my pubics and you know what that means don't you?
I said - Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again!

[Pseudo]

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH!

I tried that at work, but the response was "must be at least 8 characters, contain a number and a symbol".

So now my password is 8======o

[locky801]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

[locky801]

Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

[locky801]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example.
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she see her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says,
"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello?

[locky801]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[locky801]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So, he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said … "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.”
“Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful, again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my
b00bs.”
“I can splash it on my eyes."

[locky801]

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym.
I was working on my MBA online.
I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.
"No, no... I was Paroled

[locky801]

A grasshopper comes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him a beer and says, " Did you know there's a cocktail named after you?" The grasshopper takes a sip of beer and says, "Really? So, there's a cocktail named Kevin?"

[locky801]

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife. He did this several times, finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife. The guy says as soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.

[locky801]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

[locky801]

A man and a woman who didn't know each other were on a train trip and got assigned to the same cabin for a night which contained two bunk bed. The man took the top one.
At about 1.00am he leaned his arm over and touched her arm waking her up. He said, "Would you mind grabbing another blanket, please. I am freezing up here."
She said, "Since we are in the same room for the night, why don't we pretend that we are married?"
He said, "Yeah. Good idea."
She said, "Get your own bloody blanket you lazy bastard."
He farted.