BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby woodublieve12 » Mon Jul 15, 2013 3:26 pm

Booney wrote:Some light hearted questions before round 17 to ask those who are thinking of following the AFL and need a team to follow.

Do you want your teams main colour to be purple? No
Freo are out.

Do you want your team to have a pussy cat as a mascot? No
Geelong are out.

Do you want your team to cheat? No
Adelaide, Carlton and Melbourne are out.

Do you want your team to be based in a state where most of the people don't care about AFL? No
Sydney, Brisbane, Gold Coast and GWS are out.

Do you want your team to have a history of drug scandal? No
West Coast and Essendon are out.

Do you want your club to wear a miss universe style sash? No
Richmond are out.

Do you want your club to have a religious name and yet be involved in numerous scandals? No
St. Kilda are out

Do you want your club to be the colours of poo and wee? No
Hawthorn are out.

Do you want your club to be the most hated? No
Collingwood are out.

Do you want your club's #1 supporter to be Julia Gillard? No
Bulldogs are out.

Do you want your club's best ever player to have had an affair with his team mates wife? No
North Melbourne are out.




Looks like Port are then the team for everyone.
:lol:


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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Alaska » Mon Jul 15, 2013 4:50 pm

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the girl sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart, it's Erica, I'm on the train…. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting… No, honey, not with that bloke from the accounts office, it was with the boss… No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life… Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart.

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the young man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Erica, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Erica doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

I like this man.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby nuggety goodness » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:09 am

Booney wrote:Some light hearted questions before round 17 to ask those who are thinking of following the AFL and need a team to follow.

Do you want your teams main colour to be purple? No
Freo are out.

Do you want your team to have a pussy cat as a mascot? No
Geelong are out.

Do you want your team to cheat? No
Adelaide, Carlton and Melbourne are out.

Do you want your team to be based in a state where most of the people don't care about AFL? No
Sydney, Brisbane, Gold Coast and GWS are out.

Do you want your team to have a history of drug scandal? No
West Coast and Essendon are out.

Do you want your club to wear a miss universe style sash? No
Richmond are out.

Do you want your club to have a religious name and yet be involved in numerous scandals? No
St. Kilda are out

Do you want your club to be the colours of poo and wee? No
Hawthorn are out.

Do you want your club to be the most hated? No
Collingwood are out.

Do you want your club's #1 supporter to be Julia Gillard? No
Bulldogs are out.

Do you want your club's best ever player to have had an affair with his team mates wife? No
North Melbourne are out.




Looks like Port are then the team for everyone.
:lol:


Do you want your club to hold the record for the largest loss in AFL Grand Final History and be the first team to lose to both expansion teams?
No, then looks like you might want to choose a different sport...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Booney » Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:55 pm

nuggety goodness wrote:Do you want your club to hold the record for the largest loss in AFL Grand Final History and be the first team to lose to both expansion teams?
No, then looks like you might want to choose a different sport...


GWS first win was over the GC Suns.

1954....19....54. :lol:
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby nuggety goodness » Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:19 pm

Booney wrote:
nuggety goodness wrote:Do you want your club to hold the record for the largest loss in AFL Grand Final History and be the first team to lose to both expansion teams?
No, then looks like you might want to choose a different sport...


GWS first win was over the GC Suns.

1954....19....54. :lol:


yes that is true but port were the first team to lose to both sides...

1954... and looks like it could be a fair stretch until we see another one... :-(
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Aug 15, 2013 1:07 pm

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."


1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Strawb » Wed Sep 04, 2013 9:28 am

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.
I am the Voice Left From Drinking
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Strawb » Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:34 am

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman And she was upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce right away ! And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, whi ch you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

'The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, Do you have Anything else that your wife doesn't use?

That's how we ended up on bed...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Sep 25, 2013 9:22 am

There is usually a good explanation





The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"



"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."



A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said,
"I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't get your email."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Sep 30, 2013 4:51 pm

Little Johnny! (Bless the little ba**ard).
"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first..."



"Dough; D O U G H.... Italians make pizza with dough."

"Very good, Jane, now let's hear from Mary."


"Dough; D O U G H... My brother makes things with play dough."



"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

"My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Oct 09, 2013 11:56 am

South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South
> >>> Africa.

> >>>His first overseas trip was a holiday in Australia, he decided to spend
> >>> an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

> >>> As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of
> >>> black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting
> >>> close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

> >>> "They're buoys," said the Aussie.

> >>> "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

> >>> "Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

> >>> "**** great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
> >>> “We’d never get away with that at home!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby HH3 » Thu Oct 17, 2013 9:45 am

4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas.

The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!

the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!

the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "what about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment.

The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Oct 19, 2013 11:23 am

LIFE Summary of Life


GREAT TRUTHS THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polk-a-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.<

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise.. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD :
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is. . ...Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is. .. . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is . ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day!


Take the time to live!!!

Life is short.
Dance naked (but not while frying bacon!) Woo-hoo
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Oct 21, 2013 6:48 am

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each

month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?



Man:

Correct



Woman:

If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past

20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?



Man:

Correct



Woman:

Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have

been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting



for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a

Ferrari?



Man:

Do you drink beer?



Woman:

No


Man:

Where’s your Ferrari....?
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Oct 22, 2013 7:21 am

DAUGHTER:> Mom I am pregnant !!!> >

MOTHER:> Didn't I tell you that when a boy touches your "boobs" to say DON'T and when he touches your "vagina" to say STOP ???> >

DAUGHTER:> I know mom but he was touching both so I kept saying DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP

:D
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:26 am

Bayman woke his Dad up at 3:00am in the morning
"Dad got me first root a few hours ago."
" Son, did you use something for protection ?"
" Yes Dad, I used a balaclava."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:35 pm

George went on a vacation with his family and his mother-in-law to Jerusalem. Sadly, during their vacation, George's Mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that sending the body back to the United States for burial was very expensive. It could cost him $10,000. The Consul told him, "In most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem . This costs just $150."
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul says, "You must have loved your Mother-in-law very much, considering the enormous cost."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem . On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby valleys07 » Tue Oct 22, 2013 5:02 pm

:lol:
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Booney » Wed Oct 23, 2013 11:56 am

valleys07 wrote::lol:


x2 :lol: :lol:
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Oct 28, 2013 9:59 am

One day an Irishman -Paddy- goes into a pharmacy -
reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a
teaspoon.

He pours some of the contents onto the teaspoon and offers it to the
chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
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