Dear Dr REB....

[Media Park]

Quality bump!

[Rik E Boy]

Dear Maggots.

Fear not as your condition is a temporary one. Take these eye drops and put on these glasses and your normal vision will be restored. Then we can have you going back to giving the West Coast Eagles free kicks like usual. Sorry about last night but these eye drops take some time to start working.

Don't forget my bill when the money starts coming in.

regards,

Dr REB

[Rik E Boy]

Dear Mick

At your age it us unwise to continue with the sort of activities that pre-occupied you in your younger days. Instead of shelling out top dollar for the normal medication perhaps a generic brand could be the Lynch pin towards your rehabilitation. A gradual recovery that takes time will have a longer lasting health benefit than the quick fix as has been shown many times over past decades. With the extra money you will save you could put some into a brown paper bag and it will be easy to envisyage a lasting benefit to the environment.

I prescribe plenty of rest. Avoid all media conferences and watch out for swooping Magpies this spring. That should be Judd the ticket.

regards,

Dr REB

[dedja]

Dear Dr REB,

The BCCI have steadfastly declared that DRS will not be allowed in any Test involving India, and we all poured scorn on them.

This Ashes series has had its share of controversies, with DRS in the firing line. Aleem Dar, Kumar Dharmasena and Tony Hill have copped heir fair share of criticism as well.

Then there's the allegations that batsmen are taping their bats to beat hot spot.

What should the ICC do about all this?

Whilst we're on the Ashes, Nasser Hussain gives me the shits and is generally accepted as being a right royal knob. Do you think think being an Indian Muslim who played for England contributed to this?

Also, is there any doubt Stuart Broad is a dickhead?

[Rik E Boy]

Dear Ring of Fire,

any prolonged exposure to the staining agent Nasser Hussain is always going to result in an inflamed rectum. The prolonged hatred of this agent towards our species is toxic to all Australians and will result in an uncontrollable urge to defecate repeatedly. Interestingly enough, Dr Turdmore wrote of this effect in The Lancet. The disease you have been suffering from is Nasser Hashitmeitis. Please take three India v Australia One Dayers and see me in the morning.

Due to patient-doctor confidentiality, I am unable to disclose whether or not Mr Broad has his testicles tucked away, Peter Griffen like on his chin. However, you do not need to read the case notes to confirm the obvious.

regards,

Dr REB

[dedja]

Dear Dr REB,

I, like nearly 7 other billion people on this planet, have been raised to hate the Port Adelaide Football Club, and have obediently and passionately followed this all my life, but then one day something happened that I can't explain.

I woke up one morning with my usual erection, but this time my dream wasn't about Elle McPherson, Claudia Schiffer, Megan Gale, Pam Cornes or Super holding up the cup, but it was about ... I can't ... no, refused to believe ... ummm ... it was ... about ... Port.

God, I felt so dirty and ashamed. I didn't know what to do. What was wrong with me? It just didn't make sense.

The same thing happened the next morning, and the one after that, and so on.

Soon after, Port logos started appearing on my SAFooty profile. My friends don't want to know me, I've been booted off the Snouts site, and warded off Brighton Road.

I'm at my wit's end ... I've got nowhere else to turn.

What is wrong with me???

[Psyber]

Obviously Turncoat Syndrome with some delusional basis for the mental disturbance driving it...

[Booney]

Well, I can't wait for this....

[Pseudo]

What is wrong with me???

You're Phil McGuinness.

[Failed Creation]

What is wrong with me???

You're Phil McGuinness.

It could also be Mark Tylor or Peter Woite...