Nurses (desk calendar) Jokes, Antidotes, etc (no pics)

[MightyEagles]

A Texan brought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar and said that his wife had just given birth to ä typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. "Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds." The bartender asked , "What happened? Didn't he weigh twenty pounds at birth?"

The father said, "Yep ... just had him circumcised!"

[MightyEagles]

Your purpose may not always be obvious, but always remember that you do have a purpose.

[MightyEagles]

Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die: do not outlive yourself.

[MightyEagles]

US nursing schools turned away 52, 115 qualified applicants from baccalaureate and graduate nursing programs in 2010 due to insufficient number of faculty, nursing sites, classroom space, clinical preceptors, and budget constraints.

[MightyEagles]

The human body has enough carbon to fill a thousand pencils. Too bad it doesn't produce pens to replace those that go missing during every shift.

[MightyEagles]

While discharging a young man from his fourth visit for STD symptoms:

Nurse: Okay, so it looks like you've been here for the same thing a couple of times in the last couple months. It's important to make sure your partner is getting treated, so you don't keep re-infecting one another. You probably need to make an appointment with a regular doctor to get actual STD testing done to make sure that you're not dealing with a drug-resistant strain, got it?

Patient: Yeah.

Nurse: Alright then, well, here's your prescription for your antibiotics. I just need you to sign right here and then you're through, but do you have any questions before you go?

Patient: Yeah, are you single?

[MightyEagles]

What does nursing mean to me? It means being blessed to work with a group of dedicated individuals who exemplify the true meaning of compassion. It means being able to share in a family's most intimate moments and maybe make a small difference in their pain, suffering, and loss. It means thinking outside the box and being able to get what the patient or family needs when all seams hopeless. It means being able to touch lives without saying a word, just by simply being there and lending support. It means being proud of what I do each and every morning I look into the mirror. It means making a difference.

[dedja]

Surely there's a mercy rule ...

[Spargo]

Or a bucket...

[MightyEagles]

Or a bucket...

put one next to your computer.

[MightyEagles]

Q - What happens when Labor and Delivery nurses go on strike?

A - It causes a midwife crisis.

[MightyEagles]

When I started working, my grandmother told me to always listen to my CNAs. I'm so glad she did. I worked with some of the most amazing nurse aides and have learned so much from them.

[MightyEagles]

* Sponsor a positive event that highlights nursing activity in the community. Organize a health fair or a prevention screening for hypertension or cholesterol.
* Sponsor a child-centred poster or coloring contest with themes that reflect nursing.
* Invite a politician to spend the day with some of your organization's nurses. This will help educate legislators who determine funding and might provide a media bonus to your facility.
* Stage an in-facility event that focuses on the nursing staff - a special lunch or dinner that honors that particular service or dedication of one of the nurses.

[MightyEagles]

Nursing in 1903

The nurse must be cleanly in her person, both for her own safety and for the sake of those with whom she comes in contact. Her dress should be simple, but by all means let it be becoming. Many ladies who take to nursing think it necessary to assume the most hideous garb imaginable. If the exigencies of religion necessitate this course, we regret our inability to argue the case, but on medical grounds we feel quite sure that the dress of an attendant on the sick should be simple and becoming, and not such as will excite the wonder, the fear, or the risibility of a patient.

[MightyEagles]

Lessons learnt from patients

- Do not brace the pneumatic nail gun against your crouch while reloading it.

- Never sleep with the same prostitute that gave you gonorrhea the last time.

- Icing a muscle strain may help it heal, as long as you don't use dry ice.

[MightyEagles]

Give me a sign.

The Birth Centre: We'll give your baby an out-of-body experience.

Midlife Podiatry: Time wounds all heels.

[MightyEagles]

Novels for Nurses - One flew over the cuckoos nest.

Think you've got a real piece of work for a co-worker? He or she is likely nothing compared to the tyrannical Nurse Ratched in this classic novel. The story centers on Patrick McMurphy, a mental patient who antagonizes his nurse and upsets the daily routine of the other patients, but not without just cause. It is a frank look at the state of institutional care and a must-read for anyone working in psychiatric nursing.

[MightyEagles]

A patient with stomach pains reported to the nurse. He said "I've eaten something that disagrees with me." A voice inside his stomach said, "No, you haven't."

[MightyEagles]

Patient: I smell carrots, but I don't see any.
Nurse Anesthetist: That's the Ether Bunny

[MightyEagles]

Humor can provide respite and relief from dark times. It also has its own timeline. ... There is a time to laugh, and that time won't be rushed. Don't be afraid to develop the expectation of humor. Saying, Ï can't wait for this to be funny!" acknowledges the healing power of time and perspective, even if the reality you're in the now leaves no room to laugh. Being in a dark moment - or being with patients as they encounter dark times in their lives - becomes easier when you can hold onto the concept that life is a journey, that laughter will return to your days, that joy is in inevitability.