BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 20, 2021 5:04 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Feb 25, 2021 12:46 pm

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Happy hour is upon us
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Feb 27, 2021 1:37 pm

Ever since he was a child, he’s always had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
“How much do you charge?”
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", he said.
Six months later the doctor met him on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”
FORGET THE SHRINKS, HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER!
ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Mar 03, 2021 2:17 pm

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Brodlach » Wed Mar 03, 2021 3:40 pm

locky801 wrote:An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."


:lol: :lol:
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Mar 09, 2021 4:13 pm

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Broken Hill
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from Broken Hill commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from Broken Hill commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Broken Hill lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Broken Hill lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "What on earth could they teach you??"
The Broken Hill lady responded, “Well as an example... Instead of saying, "Who gives a F**k ?"....
I learned to say,
"Well, isn't that fantastic?”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Tue Mar 16, 2021 11:11 am

A woman arrived at a party & while surveying the guests, notices an attractive man standing by himself.
She approached him, smiled & said “Hello, my name is Carmen.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things in life that I enjoy most - cars & men. Therefore I chose “Carmen.”
She asks “what’s your name?”
He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”
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You must fight just to keep them alive...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Mar 18, 2021 4:27 pm

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp. "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks. "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice. "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Apr 09, 2021 3:12 pm

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Dublin copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Dublin cops expense!!
Dublin cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Dublin cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Dublin cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.
License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Dublin cop says, "The difference is, ye didnae come to a complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Dublin cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Dublin cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Apr 30, 2021 10:25 am

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right!
O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?
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