Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
Brain: Ugh, I can't beileve you're serving a three year sentance, it seems so harsh.
Lois: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
Quagmire (running through mall and accidentally into the camera room): Where am I, am I dead?
Security Guard: No, this is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
(Woman on Monitor has heart attack)
Quagmire: Oh my God! That one's having a heart attack! (Runs to womans dressing room.)
Quagmire: (Rubs womans chest and breathes in her mouth. Woman becomes conscious.)
Woman#2: That was amazing!
Woman#3: You saved her life!
Woman#4: Thank God you know CPR!
Quagmire: What the hell is CPR?
Social worker: "Glen honey, I got a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: "I got a question for you. Why are you still here?"
Quagmire: Fat chicks need love too...they just have to PAY!
Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God.
Quagmire (with a trashy girl on his arm): Hang around little guy, I'll be back later (he winks).
Stewie: Oh very well. I suppose I'll go and pump the chemical toilet. (Eyes the trashy girl.) apparently, you're about to do the same.
Quagmire: Hello, and welcome to another edition of Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy some jazz from Charles Mingus. Norman Maylor's here to read an excerpt from his latest work. And we also have a girl from Omaha hiding a banana. We're gonna find out where. Giggity giggity. Giggity goo. Stick around.
Brooke: Quagmire, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body?
Brooke: What?
Quagmire: Yes.
(Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are using a radar to listen to what people are saying and they happen to pick up of what Quagmire is thinking to himself.)
Quagmire: God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"
Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.
Quagmire: "Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side."
Woman (man voice) : "Sure."
Quagmire: "Whoa, transvestite, back off! Wait a minute...pre-op or post-op?"
Woman: "Pre-op."
Quagmire: "Whoa, transvestite, back off!"
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex. Some people have it anonymously. What kind of person would do that you might ask? Well, I'm about to find out. I've just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he's in the bathroom right now,
possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in-depth and undercover.
(Quagmire walks into the room in his boxers and lays down on the bed.)
Quagmire: I've never had a Spanish chick before! O-LE!!!
Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!
(In the middle of the night, Peter wakes the whole neighborhood by yelling.)
Peter: Hey everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe: PETER! Shut up its three in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?!
Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter: I'm just saying! I'm proud of her. She's a woman! Yea!
Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I am exhausted!
Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.
Quagmire (runs outside in a robe): Hey guys, what's going on? I was just jerki ... ed out of a deep sleep.
Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way.
Quagmire: So, you ladies ever been penetrated?
Quagmire: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh lets see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.
Quagmire: Oh, Lois, I'd do everything to you.
Lois: What?
Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
Quagmire on a date with the Bachelorette, in his mother's trailer. A mangy cat whines.
Quagmire's mom: (shouting off-screen): Glenn, would you feed mittens?
Quagmire: Mittens has food in his bowl!
Quagmires' mom: That's old food!
(cat meows)
Quagmire: Mittens, shut up! Mittens shut up!
Quagmire's Mom: Don't you talk to Mittens that way. Mittens is a member of this family.
Quagmire: Mom if you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone.
Quagmire: You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
Peter: Well guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland: You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potantcy.
Quagmire: That's right, you take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a...a belt.
(Quagmire to girl)
Quagmire: You must be a parking ticket, cuz you got fine written all over you.
Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Awww right.
Quagmire: I've never seen so many chicks in one place! Hey, hey, check out those two hotties...they're so lonely they're practicing kissing each other!
Cleveland: I don't think they're practicing...
Peter, Quagmire and Joe: Oh...oooohhhhh...OOOOOOHHHH!!!...oh...
Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make the devils.
Peter:Hey, guys! Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky.
Quagmire: Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me?
Lady: I'm with my husband.
Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero!
(Husband punches Quagmire.)
Quagmire: Little violent for you, don't you think?
(Husband punches Quagmire again.)
Quagmire: I'll be right over there.
Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our asses
(Peter walks through a door holding a sword,like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged)
Peter Griffin: Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.
Quagmire: Soccer moms alll right! GIGGITY, GIGGITY,GIGGITY! [img][/img]
