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[valleys07]

Adelaide Casino
There I was at the Roulette Table
There she was at the Roulette Table
She was a stunning blonde , not a local native, you could tell
There was eye contact
This luscious blonde made her way to me, sat next to me, and placed her hand in my crouch
area
Having been through this process so many times, I knew the drill
With no conversation I held her hand, we rose, we left, for the inevitable
She was a tourist
She spoke very little English , but her intentions were clear


We ended up in bed
We made love
This blonde stunner performed admirably and was a delight

A few minutes later I made love to her again
Usually thats me done, the obligatory hug and smooches , then zed zed zedding away

But she was still craving, and I had to rise to the occasion once more
After half and hour , I gave it my best shot
I rolled over , and asked in simple language ''You finish ?"
She smiled said " No"

I made love to her again
I had to summon up all my energy and gave an allmighty performance , after about an hour I did my deed
I was exhausted and asked "You finish?"
She smiled and said ''No''

I entered her and entered the twilight zone for another effort
I grimaced
I battled exhaustion
I put in the effort of efforts , and almost 90 minutes later , I came, and gave a mighty mighty groan
I was tired
Mentally and physically I was done for the night
Grasping for breath I asked "You finish?"
She smiled said "No'
What the....

My manly duty is to have another crack
Raising the bar was the main obstacle
I had to mentally picture Kylie Minogue, Liz Hurley, Emily Blunt , Kristy Swanson,Laura Hutton, Eleanor Parker and Fay Wray all naked and in my bedroom
Somehow the thought of these glamours inspired me, I was ready again
I climbed onto my blonde beauty and gave the most inspired performance of my lifetime
I kept going on and on and on and on
After 2 hours of making love, on the brink of total physical break down , I did it
I rolled over, I hardly had the energy to speak
I somehow asked her "You finish?"
She smiled, sighed, and replied '' No I Sweedish"

[RJM]

All last week I've been putting up with people knocking on my door either trying to sell me things, get me to change my gas, electricity, phone or internet, sell me raffle tickets or solicit donations.

Today I decided I'd had enough. I wasn't going to put up with any more doorknockers.

The next person to knock was a young girl asking for donations for the sperm bank.

Needless to say I gave her a mouthfull.

[locky801]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.



As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you, but I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “Pepper.”

[valleys07]

A man (gardener) takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says
'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose.
May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned.
'What was that for?' he asked.
She said
‘I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said

Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence no good in an open bed!’.

[Dogmatic]

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You're always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable".

George Burns said "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it".

Oprah said "I understand you still do the sex thing... even at your age". George said "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it!" Oprah said "I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You sir, are a remarkable man!" George said "The second time is even better than the first time". Oprah asked "You can really do it again... at your age?" George said "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes".

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said "Oh Mr Burns, I'm astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age... Oh my, oh my!"

George told her that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes".

Oprah asked "Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries? George replied "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet".

[wristwatcher]

[Baron Greenback]

Not sure if I've put this on here before, but heard it again recently...

Q. What's the best thing about shagging a transvestite?

A. Reaching around and thinking you've gone all the way through.

[mal]

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You're always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable".

George Burns said "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it".

Oprah said "I understand you still do the sex thing... even at your age". George said "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it!" Oprah said "I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You sir, are a remarkable man!" George said "The second time is even better than the first time". Oprah asked "You can really do it again... at your age?" George said "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes".

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said "Oh Mr Burns, I'm astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age... Oh my, oh my!"

George told her that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes".

Oprah asked "Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries? George replied "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet".

Funny

[RustyCage]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. I bought her some bathroom scales.

[Strawb]

a guy finds a magic lamp and a Genie pops out
The Genie grants him one wish
He says "I want to live forever"
The Genie says "that is impossible and very hard to great"
So the guy says "OK then I want to live til when Port Power wins another premiership."
"You crafty Bastard" the Genie replies.

[CENTURION]

The Dalai Lama had some tooth Decay in one of his back molars and although it wasn't painful, he noticed he had really bad breath. Although old and frail in many ways, he walked the mile to the dentist on a dirt road with no problem, as years of walking about the monastery without shoes had thickened his epidermis considerably. I suppose you could say....wait for it....he was a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

[Strawb]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a
great big smile on his face.

Dave says “John what are you so happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’
my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!
She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?” “I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my
boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either
screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!.”

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar
counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says “What are you so happy about today John?”

“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’
my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to
here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ “Sure you can have a ride in my
boat.” So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I
turned off the key and I said ‘Its either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim!!,
Dave, she couldn’t swim!!!!.”

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a
beer.

Dave says “John, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my
boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Dave,
tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says “Can I have a
ride in your boat?” “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out,
Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and
looked at her tits and said ‘Its either screw or swim!!’.

Then, she pulled down her pants….
she had a dick, Dave !!!
She had a great BIG dick!!! …..

…. Dave, ….. I CAN’T SWIM!!!”

[Baron Greenback]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a
great big smile on his face.

Dave says “John what are you so happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’
my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!
She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?” “I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my
boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either
screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!.”

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar
counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says “What are you so happy about today John?”

“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’
my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to
here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ “Sure you can have a ride in my
boat.” So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I
turned off the key and I said ‘Its either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim!!,
Dave, she couldn’t swim!!!!.”

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a
beer.

Dave says “John, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my
boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Dave,
tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says “Can I have a
ride in your boat?” “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out,
Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and
looked at her tits and said ‘Its either screw or swim!!’.

Then, she pulled down her pants….
she had a dick, Dave !!!
She had a great BIG dick!!! …..

…. Dave, ….. I CAN’T SWIM!!!”

Ha!

[valleys07]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a
great big smile on his face.

Dave says “John what are you so happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’
my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!
She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?” “I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my
boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either
screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!.”

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar
counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says “What are you so happy about today John?”

“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’
my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to
here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ “Sure you can have a ride in my
boat.” So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I
turned off the key and I said ‘Its either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim!!,
Dave, she couldn’t swim!!!!.”

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a
beer.

Dave says “John, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my
boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Dave,
tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says “Can I have a
ride in your boat?” “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out,
Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and
looked at her tits and said ‘Its either screw or swim!!’.

Then, she pulled down her pants….
she had a dick, Dave !!!
She had a great BIG dick!!! …..

…. Dave, ….. I CAN’T SWIM!!!”

[CENTURION]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I

have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case........

Time for another beer!

[tipper]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey . The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them . Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them . He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls . To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole .
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table . . . Whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball . "
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left .
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him .. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it . then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it .
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first .

[Kahuna]

Untitled.png (273.82 KiB) Viewed 1039 times

[valleys07]

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.


He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'


Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... how do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please,please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....
I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes...!

[valleys07]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey . The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them . Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them . He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls . To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole .
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table . . . Whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball . "
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left .
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him .. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it . then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it .
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first .

[Dogmatic]

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cook burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.
Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK.

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet

There's some cracking good one liners in amongst this lot!

“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.

So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...

I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco

Her condition is said to be stable.



Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer .. AND THEY'RE OFF"


Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers,

as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.



Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....


"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar.

Barman says, "Why the long face?"

Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"



I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.



These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....
Talk about flogging a dead horse!