BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[johntheclaret]

Question...
If I fill my waterbed with spring water, will it have more bounce?

We had a waterbed once. We had to get rid of it though.
We were drifting apart

[locky801]

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.

"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"

The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement.


She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.

The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"

"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."


Conclusions:

1. Not every gamble relies on luck.

2. Not all blondes are stupid.

3. But men - are always MEN!

[locky801]

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.


"No, they went to town."


"How about your brother Howard, is he here?"


"No, he went with mum and dad."


The farmer stood there for a couple of minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow any, or I can send dad a message."


"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your dad,about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant."


The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the boar,

but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[amber_fluid]

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[locky801]

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asked again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man ran around the next block and faced her again.


"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," said the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

[locky801]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to

become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

'Winnie the SHIT'

[locky801]

A young waitress a few days into a job at a truckers stop serves a truckie. He says, "I want three flat tyres, two headlights and two running boards"
She goes into the kitchen with the order and asks the cook if the trucker thinks the place is an auto-parts shop. The cook replies,
"No. He wants three pancakes, two eggs sunny side up and two pieces of bacon."
The young waitress leaves the order with the cook and then prepares a plate of baked beans and delivers it to the truckie.
He says "This is not what I ordered?"
She replies, "I know. But I thought while you are waiting for your order, you may as well gas up."

[johntheclaret]

A young waitress a few days into a job at a truckers stop serves a truckie. He says, "I want three flat tyres, two headlights and two running boards"
She goes into the kitchen with the order and asks the cook if the trucker thinks the place is an auto-parts shop. The cook replies,
"No. He wants three pancakes, two eggs sunny side up and two pieces of bacon."
The young waitress leaves the order with the cook and then prepares a plate of baked beans and delivers it to the truckie.
He says "This is not what I ordered?"
She replies, "I know. But I thought while you are waiting for your order, you may as well gas up."

Did your grandson tell you that joke Locky lol

[locky801]

A young waitress a few days into a job at a truckers stop serves a truckie. He says, "I want three flat tyres, two headlights and two running boards"
She goes into the kitchen with the order and asks the cook if the trucker thinks the place is an auto-parts shop. The cook replies,
"No. He wants three pancakes, two eggs sunny side up and two pieces of bacon."
The young waitress leaves the order with the cook and then prepares a plate of baked beans and delivers it to the truckie.
He says "This is not what I ordered?"
She replies, "I know. But I thought while you are waiting for your order, you may as well gas up."

Did your grandson tell you that joke Locky lol

I have a grandson wow, wonder how that happened

[locky801]

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is......I have another arm to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it, doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf-course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours"

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon. "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking: and, every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

[locky801]

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[locky801]

A bear walked into a bar and said
"Can I have ................. a beer please."
The barman asked "Why the big pause?"
The bear replied "I was born with them!"

[DOC]

Three pigs were playing football.

One kicked it and two went to market,

[locky801]

A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health cover."

[locky801]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'


Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?


'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the ******* difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own ******* business.



I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

[locky801]

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[locky801]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play day.

'Mummy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,

'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about herself,' the little girl says to her friend.

'WELL' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her DRIVER'S LICENCE'.
It's like our report cards, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,

'I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really' says the mother......Why?

'It's all on your drivers licence and you got an 'F' in sex.

[locky801]

Golfers

An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows

her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.


"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."


The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50 pounds.

Go and buy yourself some underwear."


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she too

is wearing no underwear.


"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"


She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."


He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 Euro. Go and buy yourself

some underwear!"


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too,

is naked under it.


"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" cried her husband.


She explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."


The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency,

here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[locky801]

A homeless guy is walking along a country lane, tired and hungry, when he sees a pub named "George and the Dragon".
Although it is closed he knocks on the door. The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out of the window and asked
what he wanted.
"Could I have some food please?" he asked.
The woman, not at all impressed with his appearance sternly replied, "No".
"Any chance of a pint of ale then please?", he asked.
Again she refused and was quite blunt with him in her reply.
"Can I please sleep in your barn then?", he enquired.
By this time she was quite agitated and the homeless guy said, "Well then, can I ..."
She then interrupted him and said, "What now?"
He answered, "Can I please have a quick word with George?"

[locky801]

Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"

The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby."

"Really," says the first guy.

"Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."