BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there shifting from one foot to
the other, mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can
give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500
for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard

[locky801]

Gary, a traveling salesman, once got caught up in a blizzard, and found shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.
The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned."
In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young man?"
"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."
The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble.
His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"

[locky801]

One winter morning, a husband and wife in Detroit, MI were listening to the radio during breakfast:
They heard the announcer say. "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”
So, the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says. "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says. "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…" Then, the electric went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she said. “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied. "Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[locky801]

Housework is women's work???
Well... one evening, Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.
She was astonished --something's up.
It turns out that Jimmy had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to also do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well, and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Jimmy even cleaned up.
He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But, what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect, too. Jimmy was too tired..."

[locky801]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards .
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards .
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father . ."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many .
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said . "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[locky801]

A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off ,what's in my pants. Just send the wine back."

[locky801]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.....
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[locky801]

Her dog came in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and the male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me." he replied.

[locky801]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot. Funeral is on Thursday at Noon -------The coffin will be closed.

[locky801]

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.
As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his willie. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his willie.
What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, “Now don’t tell me you’ve never seen one of these!”
She replied, “You’re right, Daddy, I have. It’s just that I’ve never seen one being reloaded!!”

[locky801]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the Taronga Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the Taronga Zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

[Spargo]

A vegan & a vegetarian jump off a cliff to see which one lands first. Who wins?

Society.

[locky801]

A young Korean couple were laying in bed one night, when the man started farting continuously.. 'ugh', said the woman, 'that's disgusting'.
'It was the dog' said the man.
'Don't blame him,' said the woman...
'he was cooked perfectly'.

[locky801]

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm, that includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750 .78 in cash"...

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my granny, you're so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm . Where is it"...?
With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook"..

[locky801]

A father saw his 4yr old daughter staring very inquisitively at the fingers on her hand. He promptly took hold of his daughters hand & pretended to eat it making the noise of a lions roar in the process.
The daughter giggled as her daddy released her hand & once again looked at her fingers but this time looked puzzled before asking.........."Wheres my boogie gone?"

[locky801]

The other day my daughter came to me and asked me what a virgin was.
Yup, every father's dream.
So I was really proud of myself because I didn't lie to her and I didn't make her wait to ask her mother.
I just laid everything out there for her.
We talked about penises, vaginas, erections, sex, you name it we covered it.
It wasn't until after the powerpoint presentation that I thought to ask her, "So where did you hear the word virgin anyway ?"
And she said, "Well , on TV."
She said, "Yeah. They said , A new virgin of Playstation is coming out soon

[locky801]

I was in Wales doing a job last week when the Welshman I was working for pointed to a tree at the bottom of the garden.
‘ I lost my virginity under that tree 20 years ago , and what I always remember was her mum catching us at it !’
‘ Her mum caught you ! ‘ I said amazed ‘What did she say ?’
‘ Baaaaa………..’

[locky801]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

[locky801]

Definition of the word f*cked. When a man has a car payment, a house payment, a wife and a girlfriend ......And they're all a month late.

[locky801]

Got one of 'those' phone calls earlier;
'Hello,' said a voice with a distinctly Indian sub-continental accent, 'my name is Mark. (Yeah you fookin' wish it was) Am I speaking with Ricky ?'
'Yes'
'It's about the accident you had in your car.'
'What about it?'
'Can you tell me about it?'
'Sure. It involved two company cars and me.'
What happened?'
'I was travelling along when this bloke in the first company car overtook me, cut me up, slammed on his brakes and as a result I ran into the back of him and to make matters worse the bloke in the car behind, that was from the same company, ran into the side of me and severely damaged the side of my car! They must've been racing each other orsomething!'
'How did you know they were company cars?'
'It said it on the sides of both vehicles.'
'What was the name of the company?'
'Police!'
Click........
.'Hello, are you still there?'