BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[CENTURION]

pathetic. next.

[Trader]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

Its length and width were almost identical to an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

pathetic. next.

That's what she said.

[locky801]

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He
would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar
he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her
down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever
had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.
Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she
doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late,
comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex
she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom,
obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch
tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom".

[Sorry Dude]

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He
would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar
he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her
down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever
had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.
Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she
doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late,
comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex
she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom,
obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch
tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom".

[OnSong]

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He
would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar
he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her
down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever
had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.
Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she
doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late,
comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex
she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom,
obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch
tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom".

HAHAHA!

[mickey]

A dying grandmother was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse, all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash". "Wow!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??" Granny says with her last dying breath. "It's on my Facebook."

[OnSong]

A dying grandmother was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse, all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash". "Wow!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??" Granny says with her last dying breath. "It's on my Facebook."

Gold!!!

[valleys07]

A dying grandmother was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse, all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash". "Wow!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??" Granny says with her last dying breath. "It's on my Facebook."

[sapaul]

Apologies if already posted.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.



And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.



To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

[OnSong]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*****d, I was talking to the cat!'

[OnSong]

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

[Baron Greenback]

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven.
The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on.
“Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to f*ck her up the arse.”
“They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied,
“They’re not too f*cking happy about it in Woolworths either!"

[CENTURION]

World champion snooker player, Eddie Charlton, is in town playing a tournament. After it's over later that night, he's feeling a bit toey, so he decides to get himself a hooker. So, he heads off to the local & goes upstairs with the night's finest. She asks him, "what position you like, Mr. Charlton?" To which he replies, "Doggie Style please." So she gets on the bed, on her hands & knees & prepares herself. After nothing has happened for what seems like an eternity, she turns around, only to see him standing there, scratching his head & looking rather bewildered! She asks him what the problem is, to which Eddie replies, "I don't know whether to take the pink or the brown!"

[The Dark Knight]

Apologies if already posted.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.



And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.



To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

GOLD!!

[valleys07]

World champion snooker player, Eddie Charlton, is in town playing a tournament. After it's over later that night, he's feeling a bit toey, so he decides to get himself a hooker. So, he heads off to the local & goes upstairs with the night's finest. She asks him, "what position you like, Mr. Charlton?" To which he replies, "Doggie Style please." So she gets on the bed, on her hands & knees & prepares herself. After nothing has happened for what seems like an eternity, she turns around, only to see him standing there, scratching his head & looking rather bewildered! She asks him what the problem is, to which Eddie replies, "I don't know whether to take the pink or the brown!"

[am Bays]

World champion snooker player, Eddie Charlton, is in town playing a tournament. After it's over later that night, he's feeling a bit toey, so he decides to get himself a hooker. So, he heads off to the local & goes upstairs with the night's finest. She asks him, "what position you like, Mr. Charlton?" To which he replies, "Doggie Style please." So she gets on the bed, on her hands & knees & prepares herself. After nothing has happened for what seems like an eternity, she turns around, only to see him standing there, scratching his head & looking rather bewildered! She asks him what the problem is, to which Eddie replies, "I don't know whether to take the pink or the brown!"

Lucky there wasn't a choice of a "red"....

[CENTURION]

My dyslexic friend just contacted me & told me that someone has died from an overdose in an Army Warehouse in London................

[locky801]

World champion snooker player, Eddie Charlton, is in town playing a tournament. After it's over later that night, he's feeling a bit toey, so he decides to get himself a hooker. So, he heads off to the local & goes upstairs with the night's finest. She asks him, "what position you like, Mr. Charlton?" To which he replies, "Doggie Style please." So she gets on the bed, on her hands & knees & prepares herself. After nothing has happened for what seems like an eternity, she turns around, only to see him standing there, scratching his head & looking rather bewildered! She asks him what the problem is, to which Eddie replies, "I don't know whether to take the pink or the brown!"

Lucky there wasn't a choice of a "red"....

[CENTURION]

or even worse......yellow!

[mickey]

or even worse......yellow!

Yellow or Gold?