BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[RJM]

Paddy and Mick decided to buy a pub thinking it would make them rich, however after six months hardly anyone had come in and they were almost broke. One morning Paddy said to Mick "we shouldn't have bought this pub it's sending us broke. We should've bought a brothel.

Mick said "don't be stupid Paddy. If they won't drink beer they won't drink broth."

[locky801]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[locky801]

320206_10150331914101684_571521683_8098472_1024896952_n.jpg (108.33 KiB) Viewed 2572 times

[Drop Bear]

320206_10150331914101684_571521683_8098472_1024896952_n.jpg

I reckon that shop was just down the road from where I stayed in Phuket.

[CENTURION]

my missus bought me a watch the other day, I told her I would name it after her vagina. she said..."OOOOO, because it's sleak & sexy?" I said.."no, coz' it's loose on my wrist."

[Media Park]

my missus bought me a watch the other day, I told her I would name it after her vagina. she said..."OOOOO, because it's sleak & sexy?" I said.."no, coz' it's loose on my wrist."

Media Park Likes This.

[locky801]

294137_109366959173505_100003006054619_76579_1791416677_n.jpg (68.08 KiB) Viewed 2015 times

[Media Park]

Good one Locky!

[locky801]

294133_10150494002198238_611708237_11404703_203135758_n.jpg (88.83 KiB) Viewed 1917 times

[nwdfanparade]

I obtained a book entitled "How to stop being a kleptomaniac" but got caught as soon I got out of the bookstore

I came across book entitled "Beating Indecisiveness" by Willie Woentee but was unsure whether to read it or not

[OnSong]

Oh dear. That material quality has to lift.

[nwdfanparade]

I obtained a book entitled "How to stop being a kleptomaniac" but got caught as soon I got out of the bookstore I came across book entitled "Beating Indecisiveness" by Willie Woentee but was unsure whether to read it or not

Oh dear. That material quality has to lift.

Just giving the topic a kick along to keep it going otherwise it would die out. Give me a break, we can't all be Bob Hopes, Jack Bennys or Benny Hills.

[OnSong]

I obtained a book entitled "How to stop being a kleptomaniac" but got caught as soon I got out of the bookstore I came across book entitled "Beating Indecisiveness" by Willie Woentee but was unsure whether to read it or not

Oh dear. That material quality has to lift.

Just giving the topic a kick along to keep it going otherwise it would die out. Give me a break, we can't all be Bob Hopes, Jack Bennys or Benny Hills.

Tough crowd, tough crowd

[The reigning Ben.C]

What do you call a dog with no tongue? Sweaty Bollocks!

[Media Park]

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

[Media Park]

A professer from the Washington State University was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a lifesaver all the kids got the same colour at the same time.

Red=Cherry
Green=Lime
Orange=Orange
Yellow=Lemon

Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professer gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddie"

Then one little girl looked at the professer and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out there assholes"

[Media Park]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[OnSong]

Ha! Now we're talking.

[Gingernuts]

Ha! Now we're talking.

Yep, MP's last once in particular is quality.

[supersonicgun]

what's the smartest thing to ever come out of a womens mouth?
Einsteins cock