BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

overloaded · Post by **overloaded** » Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:33 pm

Gold MAL!!!

Post by **RustyCage** » Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:17 pm

That's the best one I've heard for quite a while Mal!

locky801 · Post by **locky801** » Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:45 am

Stay Alert!!! They Walk Amongst Us!!!

IDIOT SIGHTING.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich , Qld.

IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown , Sydney .....

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT! They walk among us...

locky801 · Post by **locky801** » Wed Jun 27, 2012 1:47 pm

Aunt Karen's Moral
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

Strawb · Post by **Strawb** » Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:09 pm

Nathan Buckley was sitting at home one night watching the news, when he saw some
TV footage of an Afghani teenager in Guantanamo Bay Detention centre.
This kid was some kind of athlete; he could run like the wind, was strong as an
ox, and a vertical leap to die for...
Buckley was so impressed he got straight on the phone, wheeled, dealed, and
pulled every string he could, and just before the start of the season he managed
to get his man to Collingwood, and he could immediately see his faith would be
rewarded.

So impressive was the kid, that Buckley named him in on a half forward flank for
the first game against Richmond.

Just before the players ran out onto the field,Buckley took his new charge, and
the rest of the forwards aside, for last second instructions, at which point he
started gesticulating extravagantly, mimicking the movements to mark the ball
"Catch... Ball..." Buckley started, then drawing a circle around himself
"turn... around...face... sticks" he went on, motioning up and down for the goal
posts, before exaggeratedly pretending to kick the ball at goal saying "kick...
ball... goal..."

With this the young Afghani drew himself up and said to Buckley "Sir, please, I
am an educated young man, and I speak English fluently"...
Buckley looked the kid in the eye and yelled at him, "Would you shut up, I'm
trying to talk to Travis Cloke"

Booney · Post by **Booney** » Thu Jul 05, 2012 10:34 am

Scouser · Post by **Scouser** » Thu Jul 05, 2012 12:58 pm

NEWS -- "Wettest June, Since Records Began....."

Personally, I blame those 50 shades of Grey books.

valleys07 · Post by **valleys07** » Thu Jul 19, 2012 12:42 pm

A bloke walks into Port Adelaide Centrelink to hand in his dole form. He says to the bloke behind the counter "You know, I really feel really guilty, about collecting the dole every week, just for doing nothing. I'd would really prefer to have a job.' The centrelink guy says, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful and highly sexed daughter. You'll have to drive around in his brand new Mercedes Benz. All your
meals and clothes are provided. You'll have to escort her on her regular overseas holidays, and part of your job assignment is to satisfy her very strong sexual urges in your all expenses paid waterfront apartment. The salary is $700,000 a year.'

The bloke says 'that's absolutely ******* fantastic! You're not bulls******g me are you mate?’
The Centrelink worker says, 'Yeah I am ... but you ******* started it.'

scoob · Post by **scoob** » Thu Jul 19, 2012 12:53 pm

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more drinks for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work early in the morning.

Strawb · Post by **Strawb** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 9:20 am

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

fish · Post by **fish** » Tue Jul 31, 2012 3:06 pm

Strawb wrote:Nathan Buckley was sitting at home one night watching the news, when he saw some
TV footage of an Afghani teenager in Guantanamo Bay Detention centre.
This kid was some kind of athlete; he could run like the wind, was strong as an
ox, and a vertical leap to die for...
Buckley was so impressed he got straight on the phone, wheeled, dealed, and
pulled every string he could, and just before the start of the season he managed
to get his man to Collingwood, and he could immediately see his faith would be
rewarded.

So impressive was the kid, that Buckley named him in on a half forward flank for
the first game against Richmond.

Just before the players ran out onto the field,Buckley took his new charge, and
the rest of the forwards aside, for last second instructions, at which point he
started gesticulating extravagantly, mimicking the movements to mark the ball
"Catch... Ball..." Buckley started, then drawing a circle around himself
"turn... around...face... sticks" he went on, motioning up and down for the goal
posts, before exaggeratedly pretending to kick the ball at goal saying "kick...
ball... goal..."

With this the young Afghani drew himself up and said to Buckley "Sir, please, I
am an educated young man, and I speak English fluently"...
Buckley looked the kid in the eye and yelled at him, "Would you shut up, I'm
trying to talk to Travis Cloke"

GOLD!

locky801 · Post by **locky801** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 2:33 pm

The wife left a note on the fridge.... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!!

"I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold...

God knows what she was on about!!

Lightning McQueen · Post by **Lightning McQueen** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:13 pm

Bloke married to a clairvoyant walks in the door after a hard days work to be confronted by his wife wielding a frying pan.
She belts him over the head with it and the bloke yells out "What the hell was that for?"
"Next Wednesday" was her reply.

locky801 · Post by **locky801** » Wed Aug 01, 2012 5:06 pm

Lightning McQueen wrote:Bloke married to a clairvoyant walks in the door after a hard days work to be confronted by his wife wielding a frying pan.
She belts him over the head with it and the bloke yells out "What the hell was that for?"
"Next Wednesday" was her reply.

valleys07 · Post by **valleys07** » Fri Aug 10, 2012 9:08 am

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says 'How you doin?'
Paddy says 'Do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ..
He says 'Your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.
They say 'Get away with ya.. prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'Of course both of em, what's the point of f***** one?’

Johno6 · Post by **Johno6** » Fri Aug 10, 2012 12:29 pm

thats an oldie but a goldie, love it

locky801 · Post by **locky801** » Sat Aug 18, 2012 5:54 pm

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this ******* badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your ******* BADGE!!"

Strawb · Post by **Strawb** » Wed Aug 22, 2012 7:41 pm

I went the pub after work today when a woman came over and said, "You're a bit of alright."

After ignoring her and moving to the other side of the bar she came over again and said, "How about you buy me a drink?"

"Listen, I've just finished work," I said. "I get enough of this there."

"But you've got a postman uniform on?"

"I know I have," I replied. "Which means I'm forever being chased by dogs."

locky801 · Post by **locky801** » Fri Aug 24, 2012 5:16 pm

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

Strawb · Post by **Strawb** » Fri Aug 24, 2012 8:00 pm

an oldie but a goodie