BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

[mal]

Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

8.6

[locky801]

APARTMENT for RENT




SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!!

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office,he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:


'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:


'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...

[locky801]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.

Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.


The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".


Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."


"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.



They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"


The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

[mal]

What cheese is made backwards?
Edam

[mal]

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1.Its important to have a woman,who always cooks , always cleans up, and has a job
2 Its important to have a woman , who makes you laugh , and kisses you non stop
3 Its important to have a woman that gives good sex
4 Its important to have a woman that gives great head
5 Its very very important that these four women don't know each other

[wristwatcher]

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1.Its important to have a woman,who always cooks , always cleans up, and has a job
2 Its important to have a woman , who makes you laugh , and kisses you non stop
3 Its important to have a woman that gives good sex
4 Its important to have a woman that gives great head
5 Its very very important that these four women don't know each other

[Kahuna]

Stolen from another forum----

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make love, hammer and tong.

She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity....more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Strawb]

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

[Baron Greenback]

Heard this ripper ast night.

An old priest is out fishing when he gets a bite on his line.
He reels the fish in and it's a huge cod!
A nearby bogan wanders up and says "Geezus! That's a big f*cker!"
The priest frowns at him and says "That's not appropriate language young man".
"No, you misunderstood me," says the bogan. "That's the breed of fish you just caught. A f*cker."
The priest laughs and apologies to the bogan for his mistake.
He takes the fish home and tells his wife about it.
"Look at this big f*cker I caught today!"
"You can't use that language dear!" says his wife, clearly taken aback.
"No it's the type of fish dear. It's a f*cker," he explains.
"Oh, well that's fantastic," she says. "The pope is coming over for dinner tonight. I'll cook this f*cker up for him."
The pope turns up for dinner and the wife begins to serve it.
"I spent the past three hours scaling, filleting and cooking this f*cker," she says.
"And I caught the big f*cker, all by myself," says the priest.
The pope is silent for a moment, then kicks off his shoes, leans back in his chair and says "You **** are alright!".

[Strawb]

A concerned woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancé thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you`re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

She goes with the idea and knows her hubby probably will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. She goes to the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her new husband.

Her husband slides in and she snaps the elastic band.
"OUCH! What the **** was that?" he shouts.
"Oh nothing, honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
"Well snap it back again, it's wrapped around my balls!"

[valleys07]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. he walks over and asks Paul whats wrong

"well", replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that i wanted to ask out, but i got an erection every time i saw her?"

"Yes" replies Jeff with a laugh

"well", says Paul, straightening up, "i finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed"

"Thats great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her earlier this evening", continues Paul" but i was worried id get an erection again, so i got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if i did it wouldnt show"

"sensible" says Jeff

"So i get to her door" says Paul, "and i rang her doorbell, she answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw"

"and then what happened?" asked Jeff

Paul slumps back over the bar again "I kicked her in the face..."

Very good!

[Strawb]

Borrowed from a mate on Facebook
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money!

[mal]

A Collingwood couple were on the piss and smoking pot all night
Then there was an emergency, the wife rang an ambulance
' Can you get an ambulance here real quick, my baby has swallowed a condom, we cant get the condom out"
An ambulance is dispatched
A few minutes later the wife rings back the ambulance centre
" Can you now cancel that ambulance?"
" Why are you cancelling ?"
" Its all right now we found another condom."

[OnSong]

A Collingwood couple were on the piss and smoking pot all night
Then there was an emergency, the wife rang an ambulance
' Can you get an ambulance here real quick, my baby has swallowed a condom, we cant get the condom out"
An ambulance is dispatched
A few minutes later the wife rings back the ambulance centre
" Can you now cancel that ambulance?"
" Why are you cancelling ?"
" Its all right now we found another condom."

Awesome

[Kahuna]

Not a joke as such but a most excellent quote----



"When Sir Winton Turnbull [who, at the time represented a large rural seat] was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted: "I am a Country member". I interjected "I remember".

He could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides.

-Gough Whitlam"

[Scouser]

After all this time Andy Murray has done it!

He's proved a Scottish man in shorts can stand in the sun for 4 hours without getting sunburnt.

[mal]

After the 1966 Grand Final [SK 10-14 CO 10-13 ]
A St Kilda barracker walked into a pub and yelled out
" All Collingwood barrackers are shitheads."
A rather grotesque fella stood up and yelled back
" I take serious offence to that."
" Whys ya offended mayyyte, are you a Collingwood barracker?."
" No, I'm a shithead."

[Strawb]

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans’ penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.
The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

[Booney]

Some light hearted questions before round 17 to ask those who are thinking of following the AFL and need a team to follow.

Do you want your teams main colour to be purple? No
Freo are out.

Do you want your team to have a pussy cat as a mascot? No
Geelong are out.

Do you want your team to cheat? No
Adelaide, Carlton and Melbourne are out.

Do you want your team to be based in a state where most of the people don't care about AFL? No
Sydney, Brisbane, Gold Coast and GWS are out.

Do you want your team to have a history of drug scandal? No
West Coast and Essendon are out.

Do you want your club to wear a miss universe style sash? No
Richmond are out.

Do you want your club to have a religious name and yet be involved in numerous scandals? No
St. Kilda are out

Do you want your club to be the colours of poo and wee? No
Hawthorn are out.

Do you want your club to be the most hated? No
Collingwood are out.

Do you want your club's #1 supporter to be Julia Gillard? No
Bulldogs are out.

Do you want your club's best ever player to have had an affair with his team mates wife? No
North Melbourne are out.




Looks like Port are then the team for everyone.