BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Trader » Wed Sep 12, 2018 12:01 pm

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to bugger off.
Danny Southern telling Plugga he's fat, I'd like to see that!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Sep 13, 2018 2:38 pm

Garage Door



The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.



As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'



He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,

'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'



She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Fri Sep 28, 2018 10:03 am

2 cattle drovers were standing in an outback bar.
One said “What are ya up to, mate?”
“Ahh, I’m taking a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie”
“Oh yeah... and what route are ya taking?”
“Ahh, prob’ly the missus... after all, she stuck by me durin’ the drought...”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:41 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 4:52 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Oct 01, 2018 6:42 pm

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:28 pm

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Bob. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"

Bob replied: " Wrong room ."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Oct 05, 2018 5:57 pm

A PENSIONERS HOLIDAY
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing all the glamorous destinations around the world.
The Agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take 'no' for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his Secretary to arrange two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me."

"Oh, what was that?" asked the travel agent.

"Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Oct 14, 2018 8:14 am

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Oct 23, 2018 8:20 am

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99 and deer nuts are just under a buck
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Nov 10, 2018 11:38 am

SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the minister.
The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Nov 14, 2018 8:07 am

A young doctor had moved out to a small community near Broken Hill to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"



I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?

When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin.

That was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."



Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Nov 22, 2018 10:33 am

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Mon Dec 10, 2018 9:25 pm

Oldy but a goody...
A wife married for over 30 years was doing some spring cleaning when she came across a shoe box at the bottom of her husband’s wardrobe.
She opened it & discovered over $1000 in cash & 2 golf balls. When he got home from work, she asked him about the shoe box.
“What are the 2 golf balls for?” she asked
“I can’t lie, love. Each time I was unfaithful to you, I placed a golf ball in the shoe box.”
She storms out, wanting to leave, absolutely beside herself.
After thinking about it for a few hours, she decides that maybe twice in over thirty years isn’t that bad.
She comes back to him and asks “But what was all that cash?”
He replied “every time I got a dozen golf balls I sold them for $10”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Dec 23, 2018 6:14 am

A blonde comes home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What's up?” she asks

“I think I'm having a heart attack!” cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe, and she has no clothes on.

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Mr66 » Mon Dec 24, 2018 8:01 pm

I'm offended at some of the jokes on this thread which are definitely in poor taste. I used to like tasteless and offensive material until I discovered that a relative had passed away at Auschwitz. He got drunk and fell from the guard tower so it was pretty much his own fault, but still...
If one person does it, it's insanity. If millions do it, it's religion.

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Jan 02, 2019 7:36 am

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:27 pm

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jan 15, 2019 2:09 am

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…

“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Jan 24, 2019 7:40 am

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"
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