BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Jan 29, 2019 4:34 pm

A blonde orders a beer.....

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blond calls for another beer this happens.

So after the third beer, a guy sitting at the bar decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.

She decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez, lady ... Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?'

“Helloooo!", says the blonde”.... “He has a licker license!”

Bet you didn't see that coming!!!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Wed Feb 13, 2019 4:29 pm

Guy goes to a chemist and asks the lady
" Can I have 12 condoms miss."
She says
" Dont miss me."
He answers
"Make that 13 then."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Apr 03, 2019 4:56 pm

Just had two police officers at my front door
They asked me the following questions.
"Are you familiar with the letters HB"?
I said, "No I'm not"
"How about LS"?
"No"
"What about JD"?
I said, hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something'?
"No Sir, these are just initial enquiries!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Apr 04, 2019 8:27 am

I was out shopping and saw a woman with two tattoos on her upper back/shoulders.
One was a pterodactyl and the other a large eagle - looking like they were about to face off each other.
I asked what the significance was with a pterodactyl and an eagle.
She said 30 years ago one was a humming bird and the other was a budgie.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Apr 04, 2019 1:15 pm

A man was driving down the road when a police officer stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said, "Why are these penguins in your truck?"

The man replied, "These are my penguins. They belong to me."

"You need to take them to the zoo," the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time.

"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" the officer said.

"I did," the man replied. "And today I'm taking them to the beach."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri May 24, 2019 6:08 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu May 30, 2019 4:31 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Jul 12, 2019 2:34 pm

Q: How many animals can you fit into a
pair of pantyhose?
answer:

10 little piggy's,

2 calves,

1 ass,

and an unknown number of hares,
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sun Jul 28, 2019 6:03 pm

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Willy from school and get some dinner."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Mythical Creature » Sun Jul 28, 2019 6:27 pm

locky801 wrote:Q: How many animals can you fit into a
pair of pantyhose?
answer:

10 little piggy's,

2 calves,

1 ass,

and an unknown number of hares,


A pussy, some crabs and a dead fish that nobody can find
If you don't like it, change it. If you don't want to change it, it can't be that bad!
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:32 am

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Aug 20, 2019 11:15 am

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own ******* blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The end
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Mon Sep 16, 2019 3:26 pm

A girl visits her doctor & tells him she has a terrible discharge.
“OK, take your knickers off, spread your legs & let’s check it out” he says
She drops her knickers, spreads her legs & he has a good feel around.
He says “How does that feel?”
“F#cking wonderful!” she replies, “But the discharge is from my ear.”
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You must fight just to keep them alive...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Sep 24, 2019 6:22 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Oct 11, 2019 2:22 pm

Queensland Highway Patrol were in pursuit of a vehicle which had been identified as being a vehicle leaving the scene of a serious offence.

The vehicle was heading south and would soon be crossing the NSW border.

As the escaping vehicle crossed over the border and into New south Wales, the Highway Patrol Officer terminated the pursuit.

Dumbfounded, his offsider, asked, “Why did you stop Sergeant? He was just there, right in front of us”.

The Sergeant replied, “Well you see Constable, he’s in NSW now and they’re an hour ahead of us so there’s no way we would ever catch him”.

Have a great and safe weekend
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Oct 12, 2019 4:33 pm

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....


.I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.

Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.


A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said.

"No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her bathroom scales.


I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.


Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.

Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ –

I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Oct 21, 2019 6:46 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Nov 04, 2019 2:33 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Nov 15, 2019 8:39 am

Scottish Husband....
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub,
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie".
She replied, 'Aww Jock, that's so nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you then?"
'Nay, Jock replied, "I'm switching the heating off while I'm out".
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 8:09 am

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, Y’ know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..

' The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.’ to the Principal’s great relief….. Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question…… Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, 'Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself...'
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