BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 3:59 pm

A 10 year old girl asks her mom; “Mommy, how was I born?
The mom smiled and replied:
“Once upon a time daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy sowed the seed carefully and I took care of it every day. After a while the seed started to grow, and it got bigger and bigger. In a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we had sex without a condom! “
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Dec 09, 2019 5:37 pm

Low Battery:
A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his blond wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

Government Survey:
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world:
When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.50/min (charges may vary).
Valentine's Day:
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby mal » Fri Dec 13, 2019 2:53 pm

If you had a cricket ball in your left hand and a cricket ball in your right hand, what do you have ?
A BIG cricket ...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Dec 23, 2019 12:21 pm

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,

"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Dec 26, 2019 12:31 pm

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby nwdfanparade » Thu Jan 23, 2020 10:11 pm

The electric chair is such an awful design, I wouldn't be seen dead in one.

Did you know the first transsexuals occurred in Ancient Egypt. They turned daddies into mummies.

My girlfriend and I had a big, big argument and she left me. I'll never smile again.
Mainly because she punched my front teeth out.

I hate funerals.
Now I''m retired I don't get time off work to go to them.

I had a big clean out and got ride of all my pre-decimal coins.
Big mistake, I'm now penniless.

I was having trouble with my pet dog. It was always barking, digging holes everywhere, $hitting all over the place so I took it to a dog obedience school.
Worked wonders, now I do everything the dog wants.

A friend decided to become a juggler. He became so good at it, he took his act on the road.
First gig he got hit by a truck.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Jan 24, 2020 3:04 pm

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.'

"Hello?"

'Is your daddy home?'

Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden.'

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No'

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'

'Yes she's out in the garden too'


The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'

'No'

'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes', whispered the child, 'a policeman'.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, He's busy', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men.'

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'It's a helicopter', answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....

'ME'
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Sat Jan 25, 2020 2:36 pm

My Kiwi mate deliberately hit a bloody sheep while driving his car in the Waikato the other day.

I told him "mate, it doesn't matter where it occurs, domestic violence is just never okay."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Thu Jan 30, 2020 5:02 pm

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque . "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! "I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Thu Jan 30, 2020 5:20 pm

Mary, Sue & Hanna hooked up on Facebook after not seeing each other for over 20 years since they left school.
Mary arrived at the restaurant first, dressed in a Versace suit. She ordered a bottle of Bollinger. Sue (in her Chanel outfit) joined her soon after & enjoyed a glass of the bubbles too. Hanna rocked up in jeans, t shirt & thongs & also grabbed a glass.
Mary bragged how she’d got her degree, married a dentist, lived in the Blue Mountains & has a holiday hut in Bali.
Not to be outdone, Sue gushed about her Orthopaedic Surgeon husband, the mansion on the Northern Beaches & the getaway villa in Tuscany.
Hanna had backpacked for years & was now running an animal rescue shelter with her boyfriend Matt, who could fit 5 parrots on his erect penis.
As the afternoon went on & the drinks flowed, Mary came clean & said her suit was fake, there was no Blue Mountains or Bali residences & that they actually lived in a granny flat at the back of her parents place. Sue, also overcome with guilt admitted the same. Fake outfit, no place in Tuscany or the Northern Beaches, they lived in a caravan in a friends front yard.
Hanna confessed the fifth parrot had to stand on one leg to fit on Matt’s penis.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Fri Jan 31, 2020 6:27 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Mon Feb 03, 2020 12:17 am

A young farm fellow took his girl friend out the family farm to show her around. They saw a bull mounting a cow.

The girl asked "How does the bull know when to do that?"
The boy said "When the cow is ready she gives off a smell and the bull knows by the smell and mounts her."
After the walk around he took her back to town and dropped her off at home. He asked "When can I see you again?"

She said "When your bloody cold has cleared up."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Wed Feb 05, 2020 11:29 am

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby nwdfanparade » Wed Feb 05, 2020 5:19 pm

locky801 wrote:
84621791_2583701041759369_6024707912096546816_n.png


Here's a classic gaff from Pot Black when Britain was changing over from b/w to colour Television

Commentator Ted Lowe, aware that not all viewers had colour televisions, said "and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."


Admittedly, its not a double entendre but a classic sporting commentary gaff.
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Spargo » Thu Feb 13, 2020 1:23 pm

Rob (a songwriter) was married to Lorraine. Sadly she had a terminal illness & was bedridden. His escape was going into the studio to write music.
The studio’s secretary was a young girl called Miss Clearly. She was forever making advances towards Rob, asking him out for drinks etc.
Rob, although tempted, remained faithful to his dying wife.
The months went by & eventually Lorraine passed away.
Rob wrote a song to mark the occasion. It went something like, “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone”...
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby Mr Beefy » Thu Feb 13, 2020 1:44 pm

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health fund."
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby nwdfanparade » Fri Feb 14, 2020 10:31 am

Valentine's day card you don't want to receive.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
I lost interest
when I saw you nude
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Feb 18, 2020 4:50 pm

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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby locky801 » Tue Feb 18, 2020 5:38 pm

A heart warming story:- A small boy gets separated from his grandfather in a shopping mall. He approaches a uniformed security guard and says, "I've lost my grandpa." "What's his name?" asks the guard. "Grandpa," says the kid. The guard smiled wryly and said, "What's he like ?" The little fella thought for while and said, "Good whiskey and ladies with big tits". I understand Grandpa has been called to account by Grandma !
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Re: BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

Postby nwdfanparade » Wed Feb 26, 2020 8:48 pm

A guy goes to the dentist and after examining his teeth, the dentist says "you have a large cavity in one of your teeth, do want me to repair it?" The guy says "if it needs fixing, do it". The dentist grabs the drill and goes to place it in the guys mouth when the guy stops him and says "aren't you going to give me some aesthetic?" The dentist says "I'm a painless dentist". The guy says ok and as soon as the dentist starts drilling the guy's tooth, he lets out a huge scream and pushes the dentist's arm away to stop the drill. The guy says "you said you were a painless dentist!". The dentist says "yes, I'm a painless dentist. I didn't say anything about YOU being painless."
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