COORONG
just spotted yours
absolutely brilliant.
rating 8.5
Coorong have you heard the latest footy joke?
West Adelaide.
[only cos your a westies barracker]
BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by mal » Fri May 12, 2006 4:11 pm
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by Coorong » Fri May 12, 2006 4:24 pm
I just saw it. Doubt it can be beaten. funniest thing I have read in years.
by Punk Rooster » Mon May 15, 2006 2:09 am
A woman gets invited out on a "girl's night out", & promises her husband she'd be home by midnight. Well the woman gets pissed, & stumbles on home at about 3am. Just as she gets in the house, the cuckoo clock goes off, with 3 "cuckoo's". The woman, although pissed, was still quick-witted enough to realise her husband might wake up, so quickly cuckooed another 9 times (even in her pissed state, 3+9= 12!) Proud of herself, she goes off to bed.
The next morning, her husband asks what time she got in, & she replies "midnight".
He's not pissed off, the woman's relieved.
Then he says "we need a new cuckoo clock"
When asked why, he replies: well last night, our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said "oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, & then fell over the coffe table...
The next morning, her husband asks what time she got in, & she replies "midnight".
He's not pissed off, the woman's relieved.
Then he says "we need a new cuckoo clock"
When asked why, he replies: well last night, our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said "oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, & then fell over the coffe table...
Ralph Wiggum wrote:That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things
Ken Farmer>John Coleman
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by Mr66 » Wed May 17, 2006 7:43 pm
Saw this one on the Hagar the Horrible cartoon strip.
The Taxman & his axe wielding henchman knock on Hagar's door.
"We're here to collect the new 'none-of-your-business-tax'".
Hagar; "What's this tax for?!"
Taxman;"You don't listen very well,do you".
The Taxman & his axe wielding henchman knock on Hagar's door.
"We're here to collect the new 'none-of-your-business-tax'".
Hagar; "What's this tax for?!"
Taxman;"You don't listen very well,do you".
by Dogsbody » Wed May 17, 2006 8:01 pm
A drunk bloke is leaving the pub one night, taking with him a VB in his back pocket. He's drinks his roadie, gets home and starts making his way up the stairs. Half way up, he slips and falls down to the bottom straight on his arse.
*muffled crunch*
Unfortunately before he got home he slipped the bottle back into his back pocket and he's cut his arse cheek up real bad. Fissed as a part, he heads for the bathroom and grabs some medical junk. Standing in front of the wardrobe mirror, he starts removing glass shards, then putting on bandages and what-not. Satisfied he's done the job, he buggers off to bed.
He gets up the next morning, his wife is up already. "Did you come home drunk last night?" she asked. "How did you know?" he asked. "I should have known when I found the mirror covered in band-aids!"
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Hopefully that came out right.
*muffled crunch*
Unfortunately before he got home he slipped the bottle back into his back pocket and he's cut his arse cheek up real bad. Fissed as a part, he heads for the bathroom and grabs some medical junk. Standing in front of the wardrobe mirror, he starts removing glass shards, then putting on bandages and what-not. Satisfied he's done the job, he buggers off to bed.
He gets up the next morning, his wife is up already. "Did you come home drunk last night?" she asked. "How did you know?" he asked. "I should have known when I found the mirror covered in band-aids!"
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Hopefully that came out right.
ARRIVE... RAISE HELL... LEAVE.
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by Dogsbody » Wed May 17, 2006 8:07 pm
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
ARRIVE... RAISE HELL... LEAVE.
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by mal » Thu May 18, 2006 1:35 am
THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO THE PUNK ROOSTER.
Whats the difference between a greyhound and a catholic priest?
The greyhound will at least wait until the hare comes out!
Whats the difference between a greyhound and a catholic priest?
The greyhound will at least wait until the hare comes out!
by Jimmy » Thu May 18, 2006 3:50 am
mal wrote:THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO THE PUNK ROOSTER.
Whats the difference between a greyhound and a catholic priest?
The greyhound will at least wait until the hare comes out!
GOLD!!!!!!!!!
Carn the blues!!!!!
by mal » Thu May 18, 2006 12:24 pm
JIMMY see if you like this one.
Whats 46+12+11 ?
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A middle aged catholic priest having a threesome.
Whats 46+12+11 ?
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A middle aged catholic priest having a threesome.
by Mr66 » Thu May 18, 2006 8:58 pm
mal wrote:JIMMY see if you like this one.
Whats 46+12+11 ?
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A middle aged catholic priest having a threesome.
mal has moved into 2nd position behind Dan Brown on the The Vatican's Mosted Hated list.
State of the Art Watch
by RustyCage » Fri Jun 02, 2006 10:36 pm
A guy from Australia is sitting at the bar in New York City and
looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date
running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
The Australian explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I
am wearing panties!''
The Australian smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's
running about an hour fast....can I buy you a drink?"
looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date
running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
The Australian explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I
am wearing panties!''
The Australian smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's
running about an hour fast....can I buy you a drink?"
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
by mal » Sun Jun 04, 2006 1:33 am
PAFC nice one very clever 7.7 rating
my turn
Whats a bird of prey ?
An eagle
Whats a bird of wisdom?
An owl.
Whats a bird of true love?
Swallow.
my turn
Whats a bird of prey ?
An eagle
Whats a bird of wisdom?
An owl.
Whats a bird of true love?
Swallow.
by blink » Mon Jun 05, 2006 3:17 pm
***
A Tassie girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress", she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
***
A Tassie girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
***
A Tassie girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress", she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
***
A Tassie girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
***
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by Punk Rooster » Wed Jun 14, 2006 9:23 pm
As invented by me.
Anyone suggesting otherwise is full of gossip & foul slander, & is not trustworthy...
It is just before Australia v Brazil in the Group phase of the World Cup.
Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Australia. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these guys by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to turn the tv on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Australia 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)". He is beating Australia all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They turn the tv on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Australia
1 (Kewell 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
Anyone suggesting otherwise is full of gossip & foul slander, & is not trustworthy...
It is just before Australia v Brazil in the Group phase of the World Cup.
Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Australia. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these guys by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to turn the tv on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Australia 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)". He is beating Australia all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They turn the tv on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Australia
1 (Kewell 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
Ralph Wiggum wrote:That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things
Ken Farmer>John Coleman
Hindmarsh Pest Control
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by mal » Thu Jun 15, 2006 11:11 am
PR RE brazil v australia joke.
Sensational rating 9-0 you now have the quinella first
and second best jokes in this forum.
MY TURN
Whats an anagram of GEORGE BEST?
GO GET BEERS !
Sensational rating 9-0 you now have the quinella first
and second best jokes in this forum.
MY TURN
Whats an anagram of GEORGE BEST?
GO GET BEERS !
by mighty_tiger_79 » Mon Jun 19, 2006 7:28 pm
There are 3 boys in a school yard at lunch time bragging about their Dad's jobs etc.....
Kid 1 says - my dad scribbles a few words down on a piece of paper, he calls it a paper and he gets paid $50
Kid 2 - My Dads better then that, mine scribbles a few words down and calls it a song - he gets paid $100
kid 3 - well my Dad can beat both of you, mine scribbles a few words down on a piece of paper, call it a sermon and it takes 8 people to collect the money.
Kid 1 says - my dad scribbles a few words down on a piece of paper, he calls it a paper and he gets paid $50
Kid 2 - My Dads better then that, mine scribbles a few words down and calls it a song - he gets paid $100
kid 3 - well my Dad can beat both of you, mine scribbles a few words down on a piece of paper, call it a sermon and it takes 8 people to collect the money.
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by Jimmy » Wed Jun 21, 2006 4:13 am
mal wrote:JIMMY see if you like this one.
Whats 46+12+11 ?
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A middle aged catholic priest having a threesome.
mal, good one...
i have one for ya...what goes into 13, 4 times?
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Roman Polanski
Carn the blues!!!!!
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