by cruzn9 » Mon Jul 17, 2006 6:10 pm
Subject: Sheep
An Aussie buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't
take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are
lying in the grass.
"No", she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn".
*************************************
Phone call to the FBI:
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
*********************************************************
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering nicely at the hospital.
****************************************************
