BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[HH3]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.

[Psyber]

Here's a few friends have sent me:

The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown-up grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.........

"What.......You're coming empty handed?"


Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their hand guns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissin a me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..how about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anotherr man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Point at you watch and say, 'times up'"?



Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. "with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed."Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally,one of them asked,"What did she roll?"The other answered,"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

[locky801]

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.
It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence....'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

[locky801]

If you think life is bad......


How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys

But worst of all..

the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life isn’t that bad!!!!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,

Oops....I mean day!!!!!

[valleys07]

Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to mars, NASA has said they feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.

[valleys07]

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said "when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to his doctor who asked how it went. The man answered "Not well, when I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[HH3]

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct,'' says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,'' says the blind man, ''Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

[locky801]

Subject: Frozen Crabs, A Lawyer And

A Blonde Stewardess !

A lawyer boarded a flight in Halifax with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.


He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.



Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Toronto , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Halifax please raise your hand?"



Not one hand went up ...... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.


2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[locky801]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ........I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

[valleys07]

[locky801]

20 Things you can only say at Christmas:

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the
breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll
burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to
handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you
put it in.

16: You'll know it's ready when it
pops up

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

[locky801]

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.


YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.






PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

[OnSong]

Three ducks walk into a bar.

The first duck waddles up to the barman, who greets the duck.

"How's your day been?" asks the barman.
"Hi, my name is Hewie. My day has been great! I've been in and out of puddles all day. I'll have a beer."

The barman obliges and moves on to the next duck. He asks the same question.

"Hi, my name is Dewie. My day has been great! I've been in and out of puddles all day. I'll have a beer."

The barman gives the duck a beer and moves on to the third duck.
"You must be Lewie then." says the barman.

"First of all, I'll have a straight Jacks on the rocks. My name is Puddles and don't ask me how my day's been."

[Squids]

What do you call a cheap circumcision?








A rip off

[locky801]

RETIREMENT BONUS..........


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my willie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam''

[locky801]

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."

[locky801]

Watching the cricket from a windy MCG, commentator says "There's a lot of rubbish blowing over the MCG", Bill Lawrie replied, "Yes the English batsmen".

[locky801]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

[HH3]

Two peanuts were walking along, one was assaulted

[locky801]

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?

A. A laughing stock.



Q What is the height of optimism?

A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.



Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?

A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.



Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.



Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.



Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?

A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.



Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?

A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.