by JK » Fri Oct 02, 2015 10:40 am
Be it AFL or Rugby League (preferably both), nothing is more Australian than a Grand Final BBQ.
Whether you like football or not, going to one of these events is a certainty.
For those who are unsure of how to behave, here are the rules to watching footy with other people.
This column is for those Aussie heroes who are doing the actual hosting. You are what make this country the greatest in the world on any measurement by a significant margin.
You Cannot Over-cater
This is important. When hosting one of these things, expect a long day. With the game starting at 2.30pm you will find many people arrive around 12.30 or 1pm. Food should be served straight away.
Fire up the BBQ at this point. You don’t want to be cooking at the start of the game. Anyone who shows up that close to the bounce can eat corn chips.
People will then nibble during the game with a good host serving party pies and sausage rolls at half time. For the vegetarians it’s important to serve them nothing or you just encourage them. Like seagulls.
By 5.00pm, people will be drinking hard. This will be because they are celebrating, drowning the searing pain of loss or using alcohol to numb that sad feeling that never really goes away.
At this point, many hosts have no more food and think it’s over. This is a rookie mistake. At about 7.30pm everyone will be hungry again. This is the time you fire up the barbie again. People will think you are the Messiah at this point.
Be ready for another serving at 11pm and possibly a 1am sitting too. The 1am sitting is where I get rid of the cheap meats guest have brought. You will have salad left over whether you started with ten salads or none.
You Must Have a Good Television
Don’t have a big TV? Then don’t host. Anything below 60 inch means you’re not ready to host one of these things. Work harder, TVs aren’t that expensive.
If you still go ahead with a small TV, you will be committing the biggest act of social suicide you can in this day and age. People will be talking about you for months, possibly years.
“Yeah, we went to Jeff’s party and he’d invited all these people but had a tiny TV and no one got to see it properly.”
“Oh my god! Are you ok? What did you do?”
“We’ll I just wanted to leave the minute I saw the TV, but my wife said we had to stay given this could be the last Grand Final Jeff ever sees, given his health.”
“I hate to say it, but your wife’s way out of line on that one.”
“I know. She knows it too.”
If you really want to be a hero hire a projector or have more than one TV. Having a second TV outside on the deck near the BBQ is the greatest thing you can ever do.
Single Friends Want Other Singles There
How much fun are couples? Not much, even when you’re a key component of one.
If you’re a single person, they are worse than an ill advised Federal Court Challenge.
When you host one of these things, make sure you have singles there who do not know each other.
This will add entertainment for them and an awkward sexual tension that is entertaining for everyone. This entertainment only gets better after the match as people get really drunk.
Even if none of them hook up, watching it all unfold is just what you need to take your mind off the fact your team has less chance of making a Grand Final than a hair straightener does.
Friends with Children Want Couples with Other Children There
Nothing is worse than being the only people with a child at a BBQ. Make sure you invite a few others. Even if the kids and parents don’t interact they will feel less of a burden.
Having children at the event though, doesn’t mean you treat them as modern parents do. Grand Final day is not about the kids.
Do a Don Draper and turn off any interest in what the kids are feeling. In the words of Buster Bluth’s expensive private school they are to be ‘neither seen nor heard’.
You wouldn’t let them carry on at church. The Grand Final is just like that, except important and spiritual.
Men and Women Will Separate Themselves Into Different Groups
This is going to happen. It’s like the march to equality never started. The blokes will find their way to the BBQ and the women will be inside usually involved in champagne and salad making activities.
The exception that proves the rule will be one of your mates who has clued in that one of the ladies there is single and he is doing groundwork very early. He will come up short later on.
I like to break up these gender roles by joining neither group, watching the TV and drinking a lot of beer. It’s why the kids lovingly refer to me as that ‘scary, angry drunk man’. Bless them.
Have Plenty of Ice
There’s no way you’ll use it all but nothing comforts people more than arriving to plenty of tubs with ice.
For Collingwood fans, I’m referring to the frozen water stuff, not your hobby.
Later in the night, the tub will become a freezing cold lucky dip that everyone enjoys.
Tipping the freezing cold water onto the garden the next morning, then picking the beer labels up, is Australia’s greatest tradition.
Dilute Your Family
We all have family. Some of us even like them. Familiarity however breeds contempt. It makes people feel they can behave in ways they never would at their jobs. Make sure for every family member you have five non-family guests.
Having other people there makes your family behave. This works well at Christmas too. The non-family members must significantly outnumber them, though, or your family will just absorb them like a virus.
If this approach doesn’t make your family behave, then move to another country and change your name.
Tell People to Bring Drinks
You call it Grand Final Day; I call it ‘fill my shed up with free booze for a year’.
People will bring alcohol and plenty of it if you ask (this rule does not apply to uni students).
Have punch ready with lots of cheap booze in it. Give this to everyone on arrival while you put the alcohol they bring ‘in the back fridge’ for them.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be generous yourself. Always take plenty of booze to other people’s events and have plenty there for the party. This is what that movie Pay It Forward was about. I think.
The Footy is the Focus
People want to watch the Grand Final. Socialising, eating and possibly drinking, all take a back seat. Plan the day carefully.
Asking someone to cook the BBQ during the game is the worst thing you can ever do in your entire life. Ever.
Have plenty of drinks and snacks handy. Someone wants food while the game is on? There’s the bowl of chips and there are the dips. You want a drink? You know where the fruit punch is.
Someone’s having a heart attack? Have it outside, pal.
You are well within your rights to ignore your guests’ needs during the game, as long as they can access food and drink themselves. You are not a waiter.
Conclusion
Hosting a Grand Final Party is a sacred act. Do not take it lightly.
FUSC