BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

Someone mentioned to me that they had a focaccia and I thought to myself I haven't had a good focaccia in a while.

[Strawb]

The wife sent me to the shops to buy a Buzz and Woody toy. I felt great when I got home until she told me that the ones she wanted were for the kids.

[locky801]

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

[callop]

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[steiger]

as a master farter I find that joke very funny indeed callop

[Strawb]

What's the difference between Oprah and a hippo?

One has huge arse and a big mouth.....the other lives in Africa!

[Strawb]

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife,she was delighted.Then $3000 on a nose job for her,she was ecstatic. I spent $30 on a blow job for myself..she went fu**ing ballistic

[Strawb]

what do spinach and anal have in common?


If u were forced to have it as a child, you'll hate it as an adult.

[Mythical Creature]

WOMAN'S DIARY



5 December 2010 Sunday



Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.



I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls

and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.



The bar was really crowded and loud,

so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.



He was still very subdued and distracted

so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.



All through dinner he just didn't seem himself

- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be

paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,

I just knew that something was wrong.



He dropped me back home and I wondered

if he was going to come in,

He hesitated but followed.



I asked him what was wrong,

but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.



After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.



He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,

to my surprise, we made love

- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.



I cried myself to sleep -

I think he's planning to leave me -

maybe he's found someone else.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



MAN'S DIARY:



5 December 2010 Sunday



Australia losing the cricket.



Gutted.



Got a root though.

[nuggety goodness]

Along the same lines...

How To Shower Like a Woman



1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks


2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do

more sit-ups.


4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,and pumice stone.


5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.


6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.


8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.


9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs


12. Turn off shower


13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.


14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.


16. Return to bedroom wearing long bathrobe and towel on head.




How To Shower Like a Man




1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in >a pile.


2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.


3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.


4. Get in the shower.


5. Wash your face


6. Wash your armpits


7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.


8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.


9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.


11. Shampoo your hair.


12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


13. Pee.


14. Rinse off and get out of shower.


15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.


16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.


17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.


18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[The Dark Knight]

WOMAN'S DIARY



5 December 2010 Sunday



Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.



I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls

and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.



The bar was really crowded and loud,

so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.



He was still very subdued and distracted

so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.



All through dinner he just didn't seem himself

- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be

paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,

I just knew that something was wrong.



He dropped me back home and I wondered

if he was going to come in,

He hesitated but followed.



I asked him what was wrong,

but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.



After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.



He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,

to my surprise, we made love

- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.



I cried myself to sleep -

I think he's planning to leave me -

maybe he's found someone else.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



MAN'S DIARY:



5 December 2010 Sunday



Australia losing the cricket.



Gutted.



Got a root though.

That's gold MC!!

[Strawb]

STC (Senior Texting Code)
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a
need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
> ATD: At The Doctor's
> BFF: Best Friend Farted
> BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
> BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
> CBM: Covered By Medicare
> CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
> DWI: Driving While Incontinent
> FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
> FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
> FYI: Found Your Insulin
> GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
> GHA: Got Heartburn Again
> HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
> IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
> LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
> LOL: Living On Lipitor
> LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
> OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
> OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
> ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
> SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
> TTYL: Talk To You Louder
> WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
> WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
> WTP: Where's The Prunes?
> WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
> GLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
> ONIWMD: Oh no, I've wet my drawers

[valleys07]

WOMAN'S DIARY



5 December 2010 Sunday



Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.



I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls

and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.



The bar was really crowded and loud,

so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.



He was still very subdued and distracted

so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.



All through dinner he just didn't seem himself

- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be

paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,

I just knew that something was wrong.



He dropped me back home and I wondered

if he was going to come in,

He hesitated but followed.



I asked him what was wrong,

but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.



After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.



He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,

to my surprise, we made love

- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.



I cried myself to sleep -

I think he's planning to leave me -

maybe he's found someone else.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



MAN'S DIARY:



5 December 2010 Sunday



Australia losing the cricket.



Gutted.



Got a root though.

[Mic]

That is a good one.

[Strawb]

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
everyone was getting laid, even the mouse.
With Ma in her whore house and dad in jail,
I had just settled down for a nice piece of tail...

When out on the lawn, there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my sister-in-law to see what was the matter.
I threw open the shudders and threw out the hash,
tripped over my boner and busted my ass.

And out on the lawn but what should appear
but a rusty ol' sleigh, and 8 f***** reindeer.
Out of the sleigh jumped a big, fat d**k...
and I knew in an instant it must be St. P***k.

"To the top of the roofs, to the top of the walls,
on you bastards before I cut off your balls!"
He came down the chimney like a bat outta Hell,
and I knew for a fact the poor f***** had fell.

He filled the stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
Then he rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
that son of a bi*ch, he blew the damn thing apart!

And he cursed and he swore as he rode out of sight,
"F*** you all, I've had one hell of a night!

[Strawb]

It is 4 am on New Years morning and a drunk leaves the pub and walks to his car. He cannot put his keys in the lock and decides to walk off his drunkenness. Whilst stagging home a Police car pulls up beside him and the police officer asks him "Excuse me sir what are you doing out here at four in the morning?" "I am going to a lecture. The Drunk replied. "Now who is going to give you a lecture at this hour on new years morning? The police officer asked sarcastically. "My Wife" replies the drunk.

[steiger]

Two gays, Rupert and Cecil, are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing Vaseline on his chest. Cecil asks "what are you doing?" Rupert says "I read in a gay magazine that Vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a hairy chest!" Cecil says "Don't be so f*cking stupid, if that were true I'd have a ponytail sticking out of my ar$e!"

[locky801]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "This robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a movie called “Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"



The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[mickey]

HAHAHA very nice locky...

[locky801]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I want to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".