BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[valleys07]

Very good strawb.

[tipper]

"cash cheque or charge" i asked after folding the items the woman wished to purchase.

as she fumbled for her purse in her handbag i noticed a remote control for a tv set.

"so, do you always carry your tv remote?" i asked

"no" she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me and i figured this was the most evil thing i could do to him legally"

[valleys07]

Who says jesus couldnt perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the middle east.

[valleys07]

"The Book Report".
Students taking English Literature at a local college were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic'
and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29..99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[Failed Creation]

"The Book Report".
Students taking English Literature at a local college were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic'
and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29..99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

That's gold mate!

[OnSong]

I noticed a Melbourne supporter outside the MCG on Saturday night, nailing their membership card to a tree. So I took it.

You can never have too many nails.

[Strawb]

"The Book Report".
Students taking English Literature at a local college were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic'
and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29..99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either..

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

That's gold mate!

+1

[locky801]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'



The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.



'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life..'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'

[Strawb]

little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a b*tch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your vagina before the end of the day.

[Strawb]

one for Mal
When Gene Pitney Died the Funeral Parlor wanted his casket made from the finest wood.. The carpenter said it would take 2 weeks to make it from mahogany, but he could do it in '24 hours from Balsa' !!

[Strawb]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop"

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mum fainted!

[valleys07]

The gossip mags are reporting Rhianna has broken up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress.

A source close to the couple says Rhianna knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

[valleys07]

The 2012 Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists;

A) The university graduate.
B) An old aboriginal.

They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

[Strawb]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue." Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

[Strawb]

A 64 year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[Strawb]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

[tipper]

A gay man finally decided he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, so he went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you, I’m gay.”

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay, doesn’t that mean that men put their penises into your anus?”

“Yes mom they do.”

“And you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

He says nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, I do.”

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, and whacked him over the head with a frying pan and said, “Don’t you dare complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!”

[Strawb]

One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop. About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?" The guy says "30 bucks" "And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady. Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white" So she takes the black one and leaves. A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?" The man responds "30 bucks" She asks "And how much for your black dildos?" "30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man. So she takes the white one leaves. About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?" The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks" Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?" The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250" The blonde agrees and takes it. Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?" The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!"

[Strawb]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother explained, keeping it simple.
The child thought for a moment and said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

[Strawb]

As final exams neared, two students, very confident of their A averages in Chemistry class, decided to spend a weekend enjoying the social life of a nearby college. Although their chemistry final was the first thing Monday morning they were reasonably certain they could pull it off. After a very late Sunday evening they over slept and did not arrive back on campus until Monday afternoon. In the hopes of avoiding failing the exam the two decided to tell their professor that they had a flat tire on the way back to campus.
Sympathetic to the situation, the professor allowed them to make up the exam. After being seated in different rooms the two opened their exam books and began working.
The first question, for 25 points, was a simple question on fusion. When they turned the page to answer the next question, however, both students shared the same look of despair though they were seated in different rooms.
75 point question. Which tire was flat?