MAL worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. MAL told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.
MAL explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As MAL finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to MAL, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
MAL replied, "ADELAIDE sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave ADELAIDE?" inquired the manager.
MALreplied, "They're all just whores and footy players up there."
"My wife is from ADELAIDE", exclaimed the manager.
MAL instantly replied, "REALLY, WHAT TEAM DID SHE PLAY FOR?" !!!!
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
MAL is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says MAL'S wife. So, MAL drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says MAL and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "MAL, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says MAL
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, MAL gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. MAL opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, MAL shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'M OVER HERE ON YOUR SWING!!!!!."
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
MAL, a French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love was in the air so Marie leaned over to MAL and said, "MAL, kiss me!"
So our hero grabbed a bottle of red wine and splashed it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, MAL?" shrieked Marie. "Well, my name is MAL, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!" His answer was good enough for Marie and things began to heat up. So she said, "MAL, kiss me lower."
Our hero ripped off her blouse, grabbed a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "MAL, what are you doing?!" "My name is MAL, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leaned over once more and softly whispered into MAL's ear, "MAL, kiss me lower."
MAL tore off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and sprinkled it all over her pussy. He took a match and lit it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screamed, "MAL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is MAL, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down,.......I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!!!!!!!!"
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Keith, the dwarf!"
If you don't like it, change it. If you don't want to change it, it can't be that bad!
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Aussie bloke and his new bride head to the Maldives for their honeymoon, and the husband leaves his new bride to take in the glorious surrounds whilst he sorts out their accomodation.
Whilst waiting he begins chatting to a an American bloke next to him, who, as fate would happen was also here on honeymoon ... "Ya see that fine feline over there, well that piece of ass is my wife ... Im gonna do her six ways from Sunday tonight, will probably break the world record number of times" he boasted.
Aussie bloke chuckles .. "Is that right, well see that box of hot over there, thats my missus ... Tell ya what, hows about we have a bet on who get the job done the most amount of times?"
American bloke says "You have no chance Auss-see, I'll take that bet, say $100? Oh, but how do we find out who won without discussing it in front of our wives?"
Aussie bloke says: "How about the 4 of us meet up for breakfast tomorrow, and you and I both order the same number slices of toast, that matches how many times we did the deed the night before"
Astonished than an Aussie could come up with such a cunning plan, the yank says "See ya at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning, and don't forget to bring your wallet Mr Dundee"
Fast forward to the next morning and the 4 newly weds all meet up for breakfast ... They've just finished running through the introductions, when the waiter asks the American for his order ... With his chest thrust forward he proudly exclaims "I'll have EIGHT pieces of toast".
The American sits back with an arrogant smirk proud of his achievement.
Waiter asks the Aussie bloke what he'd like "I'll have 6 pieces of toast" ... The American bloke immediately smiles as the Aussie bloke continues "Oh yeah, I'll also be needing FIVE slices of BROWN toast to with them thanks mate!"
