BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Baron Greenback]

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife is dead.

[Baron Greenback]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She choked.

[Baron Greenback]

What's a leper's favourite chocolate bar?
Flake.

[Baron Greenback]

Hope that keeps you lads entertained for a while...

[silicone skyline]

Oh come on

[Drop Bear]

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Yvonne or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Yvonne came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Yvonne, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

[Drop Bear]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him and said "Hi, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No she replied, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she then asked.

He responded, "B. J. Titsengolf, nice to meet you!"

[Drop Bear]

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

[Baron Greenback]

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'

'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.



Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'

'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'

'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'

'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'

'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'

[Baron Greenback]

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ******* ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some arsehole puts a swimming cap on me!"

[Baron Greenback]

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "F*ck you!"

Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

[Baron Greenback]

A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before or after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex" So the dad says to him "Well have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles." "yeah" says the son."well what about after sex" he says to his dad. His dad replies " Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"

[Baron Greenback]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

[Baron Greenback]

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE **** IS BOB?"!

[Baron Greenback]

Q. How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
A. Give the bitch a shovel

[Strawb]

Geelong's 2008 season lose one game and then lose the grand final

[A Mum]

(An email I just received)

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."

[Lightning McQueen]

Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?

All their horses drowned.


Did you hear about the Irish thief?

Paid for his meal then snuck off without eating it.

[Drop Bear]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little Oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured
him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she choked.'

[mal]

A Riverland farmer was investigated by the Australian Taxation Office
An officer arrived to interview the farmer
He was accused of not paying the right wages
OFFICER: I demand a list of wages paid please.
FARMER : Well theres the farm hand who has worked for 5 years he gets paid $550 + gets free board
FARMER: The housemaid has been with me for 3 years and gets $450 a week + free board
FARMER: And then theres the dimwit who works 15 hours a day, does 75% of all the work, he makes $50 per week and pays board and about once a year roots me wife."
OFFICER : The dimwit, thats the guy I need to interview, where is he ?
FARMER : Thats me...