BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

A Taxi driver is in a bar
Orders 6 whiskeys
""Hey drivaaaa are you celebrating ? ""
"" Yeah I sure am celebrating, got me first Headjob in the Cab tonight."'
"" Thats great mate, but 6 whiskeys at once ?.""
"" Gotta get the taste outa my mouth ...""

[Booney]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Judy..........Judy"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and

then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of

more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp

around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the

afternoon.After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed

sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"



"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"



"No...........I'm a rabbit in South Australia ."

[Mr Beefy]

Perhaps this thread should be called Lame Jokes but...

Just got back from the coffee shop. I tried the new “Osama Bin Latte”…….it has a fluffy white head and two shots in it.

[Mr Beefy]

Also Osama Bin Laden has just broadcast a public message on Al Jazira TV to prove he is still alive…..”He says that PORT were shite on the weekend and the
CROWS were f***ing hopeless"

However, intelligence sources have dismissed it saying he could have recorded it anytime in the last 6 years!!

[locky801]

Better than a Flu Shot!




Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.


The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[DOC]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning.
2.30am. Can you believe that 2.30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up and playing my bagpipes!!!

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection
But she did!!

[asert]

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship, all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.  It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful.  Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain, seems like a very nice man .
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him
at his table for dinner.  Felt honored and had a wonderful time.  He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a
scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.  Really is quite charming.  Again asked me to visit his
cabin for the night.  Again I declined.  He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship....  I was shocked.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice. 

[Choccies]

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all...

[Choccies]

I tried looking up 'Opaque' in the dictionary today.
The definition was not very clear...

[Choccies]

BBC News: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver separate
Maria Shriver's lawyer was quoted as saying;
"I want your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle."

[locky801]

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"


So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

[locky801]

Kinds Of Sex ....

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ..... '**** You.'


The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)


The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And Last ... But not least ... The 7th kind of sex
is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[tigerland09]

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

[Dirko]

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?

[locky801]

This is called Greeni Revenge

The head female greenie tree-hugging activist who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks and State forests in the United States was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a flock of angry birds atacked her for invading their nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him she was an environmentalist an how she got all the splinters.
The Doctor listened with great patience, and then told her to go into the examining room.
She waited for tree hours before the Doctor reappeared.
Angry, the woman demanded "What took you so long?"
"Well....." replied the doctor,"....... I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife, the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area'

[locky801]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it
over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane : You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny , as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

[Mr66]

Tip of the iceberg

[Keefy]

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[CENTURION]

What do Kate Middleton & Osama Bin Laden have in common? They both got their back doors bashed open & they both got shot in the face by a bloke in the navy.

[locky801]

Priest checks into a hotel, says to the Clerk "I hope the porn is disabled",

Clerk says "No sir, its regular porn, you sicko"